Mothers Day Musings

I just cannot get her out of my mind. That sweet little girl.
How old must she be...?
Two ... three ... not more in any case.
Very fair, shoulder-length curly golden hair, but rather unkempt and disorganized. She was dressed in a pink top and jeans.

It was a usual evening at Joggers Park. The place was full of people taking their routine rounds of evening walk, children playing about going up and down the slides, and some smaller ones watching ducks swimming gracefully in the little pond. The sea shimmered as the setting sun, all of glorious orange, cast its glow in that unending mass of water, while the crows kept flying to and from it with their catch of "seafood"!!!

She was the only lonely child out there I think. And precisely therefore I could not take my eyes off her. She was accompanied by a neat shalwar-kameez clad woman in her twenties, whose well-oiled hair was tied in a thick black plait, eyes kajal-ed, she was toying with a mobile phone. Plenty of green bangles jingling away as she gestured with her hands while talking to a young man standing near her.
She was undoubtedly the ayah.
Whoever was the young man should have been none of my concerns.

But it seems my traditional narrow-mindedness had taken over too soon as the thought of these two having an affair crossed my mind!
Even if they were not having one, the manner in which they were neglecting the child irritated me.

I saw the little one tugging at her ayah's dupatta with whatever force her small hands could muster and gesturing lovingly to sit next to her. But the ayah was so thoughtlessly unmindful. She did not as much as even look at the lovely little girl.

Although quite inavertently, I was now looking hard at them. The ayah I'm sure had a strong sixth sense. Suddenly she looked at me in the eyes. I took her stare blandly.
For a moment she seemed to flinch.
Then she hurriedly shifted her gaze to the little girl.
And as an after-thought, pressed a few buttons on the cell phone (I'm still not sure if she was faking!!!)
Giving the handset to the child, she said " Mummy se baat karo, Baby!"
It was more than apparent that there was no response from the other side.

In another diametrically opposite incident, I saw a young female labourer managing to snatch a few minutes from her hard working schedule, to feed her infant and put him to sleep. It may be quite another thing that she had to put the semi-naked child to sleep on a soiled piece of cloth on the pavement near a pile of stinking slush and dirt that had been freshly dug out from the gutter running alongside as "operation-clean-gutters" reached its peak. The child slept blissfully under a shady tree while the mother went back to work under the open sky, blistering harsh sun mercilessly beating down. Drops of sweat running in a stream down her pale skinny body, but a strange expression of contentment beautifying her simple unadorned face.

Certainly that miserable labourer had never heard of a day called The Mother's Day.
But surely the Super-Mom of that little Princess I saw at Joggers Park knows all about Mother's Day.

I had been forever convinced that as a woman, a woman can be good or bad, but as a Mother, a woman is forever goodness personified.
But a very famous film maker with whom I had interacted online had told me quite adamantly that mothers could also be bad.

His words came back to me and without being judgemental, this Mother's Day I am inclined to believe that perhaps Mothers could be classified too.

The Poor Mothers who had just one day in the whole year to call her own.
And the Rich Mothers who are a Mother all 365 days of the year...

Food for thought

A five month old infant had been brought to a district hospital somewhere in Central India. Her rectum and vagina had become one as a result of a savagery called rape.
Was stunned and speechless as I heard this. An act of unbelievable insanity and unpardonable brutality.

For a while I was numb. But eventually when I got back to my senses, I was reminded of reports on rape and reactions thereon in newspapers and on television channels. A good number of people often opine that women actually "invite" trouble by dressing up provocatively, going to pubs, restaurants etc and by spending nights out of the protection of their homes..
In Bollywood films also one comes across references to "khuli tijori" meaning a woman wearing revealing clothes. And the irony is that such a term is used to suggest humour in the film.
I think it is very insulting for the entire womanhood and there is hardly any humour in such filthy similies. If anything such disgraceful references make the offenders bolder and their scatological views on women stronger and more legitimate (for them).
But then Bollywood has never really set examples in good behaviour. Nor do they seriously take up any social responsibility while "minting" currency of every kind.

While on Bollywood, one cannot forget the infamous Shiney Ahuja case.
He is reported to have said in his defence that the smell of washing powder on the body of a maid is enough for any man to be put off. So how could he even think of going near the woman.
One would like to believe that Mr.Ahuja has an extraordinary nose or else how could he smell the body of his maid without going near her?
However Shiney has been given seven years in jail by a court in Mumbai. Let us see if he really spends those many years in a prison.

Also there are those scores of so called reality and comedy shows on 24x7 entertainment television channels. Filled with cheapness and vulgarity of the lowest possible order, these shows are ironically supposed to be providing "wholesome family pleasure", specially on weekends.

I also recall here with grave sourness the middle aged woman who was among the passengers standing in a jam packed BEST bus one evening. She was dressed in an ordinary loose shalwar-kameez, a dupatta covered her head. Behind her were some young boys. Most of the passengers in the bus had not even noticed her until she turned her head and told the boys to "behave". It seems they were pushing her unnecessarily and in the process touching her obscenely. The boys started shouting in response saying did they not have better things to do than "waste" their time on a granny.
When the conductor intervened and asked the boys to apologise to the elderly woman whom they had indeed demeaned, they threatend him too. Other passengers in the bus including me were silent (or at the most murmuring) onlookers, angry at the arrogance and lewdness of the boys. But that was the most we did for the dignity of an elderly lower middle class woman.

Neither the five month old infant who I mentioned in the beginning nor this elderly woman who I describe now had done anything to provoke their tormentors. Neither in dress nor in behaviour.
Why then did they have to put up with so much atrociousness and injury to their dignity, their body, their soul...?

While I completely agree that women must be modest in carrying themselves, I vehemently refute the theory that their revealing outfits and their beauty can turn a sober man into a cruel rapist.

A rapist is most certainly a mentally disturbed person who also has criminal instincts, but this disorder remains hidden, until they strike and commit the heinous act.
Can such a crime be stopped/avoided? If not how should the poor victim be compensated and how should the wicked criminal be punished?
Let us not forget that many times the offender is not an outsider.

Will death penalty for rape keep a check on potential rapists?
It is a debatable issue. But most importantly the legal procedure to establish rape must undergo some humane changes as well. As per the present norms a victim must face a host of torturing querries publicly that further assault her self-respect and leave her femininity grievously injured.
The victim is stigmatised while the criminal roams about not just freely, but most often without even a scratch to his reputation and honour.

Isn't this some food for thought?
Can rape be ever justified?? Do eve teasers have the lisence to disgrace anyone whenever they please???

Chhod aaye hum wo galiyan

They looked at me in disbelief.
The boys and me were at the breakfast table. I had waited in anxious anticipation all night, was sure they would congratulate me enthusiastically at having won over the only addiction to which I had ever succumbed. But I had not expected this shocked silence in response.
Here I was... feeling like a victorious soldier just come home after a long and difficult war. And there across the table were two faces looking at me dejectedly.
This was surely not the kind of welcome that awaited my likes.

I took a sip of tea from my cup and waited a little more. The boys were now looking at each other.
"Oh! Come on...I've only deactivated my Facebook account last night...nothing so shocking ..." I said as they still stared hard at me. Were they trying to convince themselves?
Enjoying the dumb-founded look on their sweet faces I went on:
"Is there something so very astonishing about it...something that I'm missing...???" I asked.
"Amma! Have you really done it?!!! Why on earth did you take this extreme step??? How are you going to live without your Facebook family?"
This was my elder one's string of queries.

The younger one, the quieter of the two, was I think still absorbing the facts of the situation because he sat silently, thoughtful eyes apparently watching the omelette in his plate, but mind certainly away elsewhere.

Honestly I was wondering if my children did not know how much time I was spending on this addiction called Facebook. I was into so many groups, quite a few tags, inbox messages, many of which I still had not read. A whole lot of my FB friends were people who I had never met, and would never meet, yet we were sharing so much. Songs, writeups, photos, jokes...
And as if this was not enough, we were actually sharing lives...joys and concerns, views and opinions...
It was like one big friendly neighbourhood. Eventually some of us had become as dear and as near as one's family. I knew exactly when there were guests at A's place or when B was going on a family holiday...a marriage at C's place or an anniversary celebration in D's clan, E attending a conference abroad, F mourning the loss of a girlfriend, or XYZ conducting a public interest rally/meeting.

Interestingly at times when a nice film or television programme was on the air, the entire group would be watching and commenting on it on Facebook!!!
That was the kind of closeness that had developed.

When I think of it now I find it impossible to believe that I actually did shed my inherent aloofness and privacy and did open up to so many strangers at a place where more and more strangers were getting an insight into those aspects of my life where only the closest had ventured thus far.

I had no idea who all could be watching my activities on this networking site till a friend pointed out to my near-24x7 presence on Facebook.
I felt as if I had been caught having an illicit affair!!!
My well wishers had now started admonishing me and my mother was worried for my health. My doctor was telling me to take the morning walks a bit seriously. But I was interested only in Facebooking, so much so that at times my back and fingers ached and I felt nauseated!!!
Slept late at night, got up late in the morning. All wrong life style and yet the guilt was ephemeral.

Going back in time I remember vividly the unexpected invitation from a dear nephew to join Facebook.
Till then I had only vaguely heard of it (and other networking sites) where apparently people from across the globe could interact, become friends and share so much that was, for an uninitiated person like me impossible to imagine.
Also I had thought that these sites were for young boys and girls to have fun and also benefit through exchange of information on topics that are of mutual interest professionally and academically.
What could a middle-aged home maker be doing on Facebook? The thought that I would be the oddest creature out there made me go pale in the face of Facebook :))

In the days to come I would go on to prove myself thoroughly wrong though. Discovering the magic of having the world at my finger tips was intoxicating. I found many long-lost friends as if ready and waiting to meet me. Also met up with half of my extended family on Facebook. The plight and pain of the North Indian Muslim of my generation, often the existence of half of whose family has become virtual due to the Partition of India, had lessened considerably as Facebook brought those hitherto-unseen-faces on a common platform. For me, my relatives across the border and abroad now existed a little more in reality...I could see (and at times even feel them)through pictures on their profile and interact with them through comments and messages on Facebook.

Facebook had thus become a lifeline for me. And anyone who heard of my dissociation with it could not help feeling amazed. I must admit here that I still have not stopped loving Facebook. It has blessed me with some of the most wonderful people I could have ever known. It has enriched my life and made me a much better person in more ways than one. It has been that legendary "friend, philosopher and guide" to me when I needed one the most.
So it is my fault entirely if I let go of all controls. It is my weakness that when I did realise of my fault I only half-heartedly tried to redeem myself.
But what is an addiction after all?
An obsession of sorts that devours all else. My innocent love affair was becoming a sinful obsession.
It was, without any doubt, becoming really illicit!!!
And in my own interest I had to stop here and now.

Well then, should I not be proud of myself for what I have achieved?
Indeed I have accomplished the impossible!!!
But ridiculous as it may sound I hate myself for having won over my addiction.
I have moved on.
There is going to be no looking back. But it will be surely some more time before I forgive myself for having "chhod aaye wo galiyan..."

From the archives...

This was written in 2008 and now almost three years down the line I see so much more deterioration that leaves me astonished and speechless
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Cricket is such a lively subject. Never short of controversies, never short of glamour and above all never short of what everyone aspires for. Big money. And the game India is nuts about has always been improvising. It is so wonderful to see life flowing through the sport for as far back as I can remember and I am convinced after all the latest developments on and off the field that there is never going to be a dull moment in the game for many more years.

Take Harbhajan-Sreesanth controversy. I am inclined to believe that Cricket and politics can now be safely compared and equated on a similar level, where might is right seems to rule the day. Harbhajan was in the news earlier too for a fight with an Australian player, but at that time we as a nation rose to support and defend him as if there was no other way to register one's love and loyalty for India. Now when Harbhajan has allegedly slapped an Indian who is his team-mate on one occasion and on another they stand on the opposite sides of the fence, separated by a well-calculated business transaction, India stands divided on the issue. However it is good to see the majority having spoken in favour of admitting that Harbhajan has indeed gone too far this time. The conclusion as per my simple logic therefore
is that we do have different sets of morals, and discrimination, specially if "national pride" is made the centre of a controversy.

Take another instance. Vijay Mallaya's gift to IPL. The cheerleaders. Supposedly beautiful semi-clad females swaying their made-to-order bodies whenever a four or six is hit seems more of a cartoon than anything worth watching by mature adults. Even if one does not cry for saving the Indian culture, it is quite evident that such an absurd, unnecessary "borrowed" idea of entertainment is degrading for the Indian masses in general. Do the likes of Vijay Mallayas feel that every little piece of entertainment must essentially involve dumb item-girl-like characters to be really appealing. Such male chauvinists must bear in their small minds that women have proved that they are much more than just sex objects. However Vijay Mallya has a reputation of treating women like sales-promotion-gadgets. Its a wonder that in this era of women's emancipation the liquor baron is exalted for his vulgarity.

In our earlier days we were told that money cannot buy happiness. Now we are advised "Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop"! And our Cricketing fraternity has proved time and again that they have their shopping details well etched out. They know exactly where to shop and do not mind becoming commodities themselves!!

The question that comes to my mind after taking stock of the situation is whether this much commercialisation is right or are we going out of bounds and whether a retrospection is long overdue? From a gentleman's game Cricket has to the gully and mohallah, which is very good indeed. Infact as one sees the common man getting opportunities that were in the earlier days reserved for the so-called blue-blooded elite the Indian democracy does seem to be vibrant fro once.
Is that the reason then for the deteriorating morals? The common man is so determined to jump ranks in the social heirarcy that he does not mind a couple of skeletons in his closet in the process?
Cricket is just one field of human activity, but when an entire social setup begins to turn topsy-turvy its better to pause for while and look back for reasons and solutions.

GAK

Honeymooning was over. Time had come to accept marriage for what it really was. I realised this when one fine morning my mother-in-law handed the proverbial "chaabi-ka-guchcha" over to me in the presence of her husband and my husband. She said quite Nirupa-Roy-like:
"Its all yours now. The house. The Khandaan-ki-izzat. And of course the kitchen!!!"

I thought she had been rehearsing her lines and planning this "ceremony" for quite sometime. She had chosen an auspicious day, ensured that the two men of the house be present...and had prepared the Bollywoodish kheer too herself.
The Chaabi-ka-guchcha was quite an ornament in fact. Made from silver it had intricate minaakari made out very beautifully all over it. It hung proudly on my ma-in-law's waist tucked into her sari. This little piece of female adornment was actually a symbol of authority and signified the high position of the woman who possessed it.

I remember my hesitation. It was not perfunctory. I felt it was still her right being my husband's mother and having run the house efficiently for so long. I would learn from her gradually, make myself worthy of taking charge and only then would I think of steping into her shoes. But her mind was made up. She wanted her freedom. She needed to relax. Oh! Yes, she would be there to guide me, but from now on I would be "in-charge".
The Chaabi-ka-guchcha perhaps marks the biggest turning point in a woman's married life.
I now had the authority. I had the keys.
But I also had immense responsibilities and duties.

The first few months went off rather smoothly. Then...
I didn't know how it happened, but every time I was broke by the third week of the month. Whatever I tried, seemed to be of no help in improving the situation. Husband Ji was perturbed. His mother had never asked him for more money in the middle of the month. In fact she even seemed to often save a bit...!!!

I had studied Economics and a little commerce too. But surely Ghalib, the renowned Urdu poet had also been a student of Economics. How else could he write "hazaron khwahishein" and then also confess, "bahot niklay mere armaan lekin phir bhi kam niklay"

My husband suggested that I should make a note of all that I spend.
Fantastic!
I thought I would now have some peace of mind. But that was not to be. In fact I was more confused as my balance sheet never seemed to balance. For a long while I sat trying sincerely until my head ached and I felt giddy.
Milkman, Dhobi, Bai, Mali, cook, Newspaper, Electricity bill, telephone bill, petrol pump bill, vegetables, grocery, friend's daughter's birthday gift...I had calculated all...but still something was missing...
And then...God gave me wisdom...!!!
Husband satisfied. Me at ease. All fine.

One morning some months later he asked:
"What is GAK? You seem to be spending every month on it, yet I don't seem to see or understand what it is..."
I told him.

That of course did not change my pattern of living or the expenditure incurred every month.
And YESSSS... my husband gave me a raise too...but not before giving up every little hope of seeing me ever balance the Profit & Loss Account and pronouncing me as a potential threat to budding economists!
For "GAK" in my books of account stood for "God Alone Knows"...!!!!!!!!!
Ever since I have stopped writing any accounts.
God gives me...and I spend... :))

Solution for our "Idiotic" Education System

"3 Idiots" was a super duper hit. It apparently talks of how the education system is killing the creativity and burdening students. 

Does the film really serve the students with solutions or is it just another film , this is a matter of debate. 

But talking of education system and the reforms it must undergo , does anyone think about the strongest pillar on which rests the entire system , and which also is the most neglected one ?

I am talking about teachers. 

How often have we heard that teachers are poorly paid in most schools and colleges. And quite often , government , who seems to be keen on bringing about the reforms , does not pay salaries to its teachers for months together. 

In such a scenario is it any wonder that most of the teachers , specially in schools are into the profession not because of they are dedicated to the profession and love spreading and sharing knowledge , but simply because they could not get a better job and most of them actually do not like what they are doing 

They are into it because they have a family to feed and responsibilities they cannot afford to overlook. 

In times when one hears so much about pursuing a career of one's liking , how many are lucky enough to be doing so? Insecurities in life outdo every creativity that a person might posses. 

We do not have the courage to say "NO" when it really matters. 

An education system should teach this virtue also! 

Also an education system anywhere in the world that does not teach basic human values fails its very purpose. 

My mother tells us how difficult it was in her time for women from respectable Muslim families in our native place to go to a school , more so to the convents 

But my grandfather , convinced his mother , saying education polishes the soul. 

However can an education system that creates clones of job-seekers also contribute to bringing about an improvement in the values, morals and principles that should govern life and be at the base of everything that one does in life. 

By the way how many of us want our children to take up teaching as a profession ? 

I would also like to make another point here since the film mentions the flaws in the country's education system , let us not conclude it provides real solutions too. 

First of all it talks of only the above-90%-lot , those who have already qualified to be in a prestigious Engineering College. 

It is another matter that some of them did not like engineering. 

Let us realize the fact that between the completely dejected and the enviable toppers lies the majority : 

The average student. 

They are in majority. And it is basically their problems that should be discussed. That would in all probability provide solace to those who are at the lowest rung of the ladder too. 

The essence of it all for us is to realize that our children are not machines. Neither are they indebted to their elders so much that they are striving forever to fulfill the desires and dreams of their parents. 

Our children are human beings , with their own personalities and preferences. Guiding them to be good human beings and invoking in them the spirit of healthy competition should be our role as parents. 

 Too idealistic to be true ? 

Well ...

 I believe in aiming high !

Lord Of Small Streets

The controversy over "My Name Is Khan" had not completely faded away. Newspapers have reported that Shiv Sena's threatening words did not deter the Mumbaikars from watching their (most?!) favourite Khan, while the Shiv Sena claims that Khan had apologised, to which Khan says he really had not. Hence long drawn heated egoistic arrows are flying in the air.

And on the heels of this, here comes another eyesore, with an arrow in the heart, for the various Senas who have assigned to themselves the job of saving a generation from cultural and moral downturns: The Valentine's Day is knocking on the door like a long-awaited opportunity for all those who needed just a moment's liberty to give words to their feelings.

I had heard some time back that all concerned have been warned against the consequences of Valentine Day celebration. Quite similar to last year and year before that and even before that...I mean this has been happening for the past many years. The "moral police" beats up young boys and girls, damages shops selling freaky tit-bits that these young "lovers" exchange as Valentine Day gifts and then every one goes home!

Neither the youth nor the goondas in the garb of "preachers-of-moral-values" have tried to bridge the gap between themselves.

What is wrong with celebrating life and the small opprtunities that it provides to be happy in the midst of the rat race one has to run to meet the legendary both ends, that actually never seem to meet? I think we need a little introspection here. There is nothing wrong with the celebration. What is wrong is going over-board. And if the various conscience-keepers of our system feel that something wrong is going on, they are in their right to ask for reforms.

But how does one reform an erring person? Taking from the Valentine's Day, I think it should be an effort made with love and thoughtfulness. Since we are so obsessed with Bollywood, it will be a good idea to remember Munnabhai 2, where the hero sends roses to his opponent for every wrong that he does with a "get well soon" message!

Having said this, I would like to ask a couple of questions that seem very paradoxical as I try to sort them out :

Is it right to damage private and public property to "protect" moral values?
Is it correct to damage cultural heritage under the pretext of saving National pride?
Is it really morally supreme to kill or harass young lovers who wish to marry each other, just because they happen to belong to different religions, castes, regions etc?
Is it human to wipe out human beings just because their land happens to be rich with minerals?
Is it anywhere near protecting values and principals when government after government facilitates the entry of murderous pharma gaints and seed companies that turn innocent human population into gunniea pigs and hugely indebt our own poor farmers so much so that they end up commiting suicides?

And these are not all of the atrocities that are happening beyond the control of the common man, who incidentally is in a majority and who actually ends up paying with money, material and sometimes even life so that the few not-so-common families can rule the planet and live in luxury.

In a discussion I was having with some people, one said : "How can a country survive without netas? I think they have their problems too, and what could be the solutions to their problems?"
His friend remarked :" Oh!Yes,it is really good to try and understand where the shoe could bite the wearer, and of course we need leaders and politicians, but in a democracy we expect them to be the leaders who safeguard the interests of the common people."
I leave it to the reader to decide and take this discussion forward.

As for me I think I should send the Thakerays some roses this Valentine's Day to remind them of the "dhaai akshar prem ke..."
And this is just by the way: I happened to see "My name is Khan" quite by chance...and I'm so glad I saw it.
The film has been recognised for its beautiful message...and I think it is quite an enlightening one.