I recently read an article "stay-at-home-mom", which talked about how essential it is for the woman to be there for her children when they are growing up, and that women professionals often end up neglecting their home and family. Indeed there can be no two opinions on the importance of the mother's role in the life of her children. I am an ardent champion of what the writer had called a "stay-at-home- mom". But I also realise that she (the writer of the article) and I are among those fortunate women who have a supportive family and the satisfaction of a comfortable life.
However life is not easy for most of the females out there who
are slogging day in and day out. They may have got used to their daily
grind, but it is their tremendous courage that they bear it all with a smile, while balancing a home and a career.
It is said that the ordinary homemaker has to come face-to-face with what is called the "empty nest syndrome". That is when the children grow up and lead their separate life.
I wonder if it is only the home maker who misses her children? Let us accept this reality. Even the working women go through this phase of lonliness. When children grow up and take on the challenges in life, at some time or other they have
to move out of the wings of their parents and experience life on their
own. It is their privilege as it was ours a couple of decades back.
It is now taken for granted that girls will opt for a career and most
women, specially in the urban areas are taken to be career women.
Therefore people often are surprised when I tell them that I have
never been a career woman. One of my cousins who is about ten years
younger to me had once wondered with much sympathy to me as to why I
never thought of a career. But perhpas I was an odd one in my time too
as I never planned a future while the rest of the girls in my class
would be busy preparing for entrance tests of all kinds under the sun!
Having said this, I think it is necessary for girls today to be
financially independent. It is their basic safeguard. It is the best
gift parents can give to their daughters. It gurantees them confidence
and security (at least financial) and thus respect too. In case of a
failed marriage or the loss of her husband, she does not become a
burden on the male family members or a prey to the lustful ideas of
other men around her. And in her marriage too usually a woman
professional is much more in command of her life than the "ordinary
housewife".
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Looking back in time
26th January. This day in 1950 India chose to become a Republic adopting a secular Constitution that had been painstakingly written taking into consideration modifications and alterations, and giving thought to the aspects of equality and justice, making a set of fundamental rights such that every component of the Republic would be taken care of. Our elders thus proudly chose the path of democracy which brought the hope of a better tomorrow for every section of the society and a promise to empower the weakest among the weak.
Sixty years down that historic moment, where do we find ourselves? Our democracy should have matured with age and at sixty it should have ideally become a system that was flwalessly complete in growth and development. It should have achieved most of its goals and set new ones for the younger generation to accomplish.
This was perhaps the dream of most of the people who joined the freedom struggle making huge sacrifices of life and property, and even of a portion of our dear Motherland as the British brutally partitioned the country before finally leaving.
But what has become of the dreams of those principled freedom fighters? Their tortured souls demand an answer as we strive to find some meaning in the democracy that we are living in. Our elected representatives in the government have brought us back to a situation where it is difficult to feel really free, with globalisation literally tearing apart, not just our culture but threatening to ruin our agriculture and economic system. Today we are on the verge of getting toxins as food even as our farmers are committing suicides and that is not all: our fields are getting contaminated too through the GM seeds.
There is dissatisfaction among people and religious, liguistic, regional and caste based minorities have mushroomed all over. Kashmir is still far from finding peace. The Ayodhya issue has branched into a national calamity of sorts that has now seen immeasurable violence and senseless divisions among human beings.
There is unrest in the North-East. There are right wing groups who openly denounce the sacred Constitution of the country, but are never brought to book. Although a few feeble noises are heard in protest, nothing happens.
Various efforts to bring about some understanding between India and Pakistan have yet to bear fruit. The latest, Aman ki Asha, a joint venture of the Times of India, the oldest English newspaper in India and the Jung of Pakistan is limping even before it could start walking, almost "sabotaged" by the IPL Cricket series where Pakistani players were not included on the grounds of security threats. A leading English news channel has already dubbed this unfortunate turn of events as Aman ki Ashes.
"Hum laaye hain toofaan se kashti nikal ke
Iss desh ko rakhna mere bachchon smbhal ke"
I remember this message of the freedom fighters often, but what have I done to honour it?
And wonder how many in the present generation have heard or how many of my generation remember it?
As I wish everyone a happy Republic Day, a nagging thought in my mind is: Is this really a time when we can rest assured of the safety of our Constitution?
Sixty years down that historic moment, where do we find ourselves? Our democracy should have matured with age and at sixty it should have ideally become a system that was flwalessly complete in growth and development. It should have achieved most of its goals and set new ones for the younger generation to accomplish.
This was perhaps the dream of most of the people who joined the freedom struggle making huge sacrifices of life and property, and even of a portion of our dear Motherland as the British brutally partitioned the country before finally leaving.
But what has become of the dreams of those principled freedom fighters? Their tortured souls demand an answer as we strive to find some meaning in the democracy that we are living in. Our elected representatives in the government have brought us back to a situation where it is difficult to feel really free, with globalisation literally tearing apart, not just our culture but threatening to ruin our agriculture and economic system. Today we are on the verge of getting toxins as food even as our farmers are committing suicides and that is not all: our fields are getting contaminated too through the GM seeds.
There is dissatisfaction among people and religious, liguistic, regional and caste based minorities have mushroomed all over. Kashmir is still far from finding peace. The Ayodhya issue has branched into a national calamity of sorts that has now seen immeasurable violence and senseless divisions among human beings.
There is unrest in the North-East. There are right wing groups who openly denounce the sacred Constitution of the country, but are never brought to book. Although a few feeble noises are heard in protest, nothing happens.
Various efforts to bring about some understanding between India and Pakistan have yet to bear fruit. The latest, Aman ki Asha, a joint venture of the Times of India, the oldest English newspaper in India and the Jung of Pakistan is limping even before it could start walking, almost "sabotaged" by the IPL Cricket series where Pakistani players were not included on the grounds of security threats. A leading English news channel has already dubbed this unfortunate turn of events as Aman ki Ashes.
"Hum laaye hain toofaan se kashti nikal ke
Iss desh ko rakhna mere bachchon smbhal ke"
I remember this message of the freedom fighters often, but what have I done to honour it?
And wonder how many in the present generation have heard or how many of my generation remember it?
As I wish everyone a happy Republic Day, a nagging thought in my mind is: Is this really a time when we can rest assured of the safety of our Constitution?
Monday, January 4, 2010
From Tehelka Magazine, Vol 4, Issue 45, Dated Nov 24, 2007
Conspiracy? Yes, but Whose?
------------------------------
TEHELKA HAS DONE a commendable job for those who needed proof of what happened in Gujarat in 2002. But there are still those adamant parrots who repeat what has once been fed into their memories and who still differentiate between the Gujarat carnage and the Godhra episode. I request them to answer a few questions honestly, at least to their own inner selves.
The first and foremost point is Muslims know very well the outcome of every riot by now. They lose heavily, both in terms of lives and money... and almost never receive any compensation, except for some lip-service at election time, called "appeasement" by the above-mentioned parrots. So why would they start a fight or gather in thousands to burn a bogey or two of a train full of karsevaks?
Secondly, even if they had gathered in such huge numbers, mustering all the destructive material in their possession, it's quite surprising that neither were they seen by anyone nor did anyone object to their gathering.
Thirdly, investigations have pointed to the fire having begun inside the bogey. Could it not have been the work of a suicide squad of Hindu extremists, going about in the guise of pilgrims and karsevaks ? Also, if the Gujarat carnage was so immaculately planned, could the Godhra incident not have been planned by the same people? The carnage was termed a "spontaneous reaction" to the Godhra episode, but we now know that whatever happened as an aftermath to the Godhra tragedy was well planned and not "spontaneous" as Modi and his likes would have the world believe. It more than indicates that those who planned the Gujarat carnage also planned the Godhra tragedy.
Please, in the interest of our children and future generations, let us stop debating over human tragedies and let us look for permanent remedies, if bygones are really to be bygones and if we have any respect for the human race. Let us gift our children security, peace and love.
------------------------------
TEHELKA HAS DONE a commendable job for those who needed proof of what happened in Gujarat in 2002. But there are still those adamant parrots who repeat what has once been fed into their memories and who still differentiate between the Gujarat carnage and the Godhra episode. I request them to answer a few questions honestly, at least to their own inner selves.
The first and foremost point is Muslims know very well the outcome of every riot by now. They lose heavily, both in terms of lives and money... and almost never receive any compensation, except for some lip-service at election time, called "appeasement" by the above-mentioned parrots. So why would they start a fight or gather in thousands to burn a bogey or two of a train full of karsevaks?
Secondly, even if they had gathered in such huge numbers, mustering all the destructive material in their possession, it's quite surprising that neither were they seen by anyone nor did anyone object to their gathering.
Thirdly, investigations have pointed to the fire having begun inside the bogey. Could it not have been the work of a suicide squad of Hindu extremists, going about in the guise of pilgrims and karsevaks ? Also, if the Gujarat carnage was so immaculately planned, could the Godhra incident not have been planned by the same people? The carnage was termed a "spontaneous reaction" to the Godhra episode, but we now know that whatever happened as an aftermath to the Godhra tragedy was well planned and not "spontaneous" as Modi and his likes would have the world believe. It more than indicates that those who planned the Gujarat carnage also planned the Godhra tragedy.
Please, in the interest of our children and future generations, let us stop debating over human tragedies and let us look for permanent remedies, if bygones are really to be bygones and if we have any respect for the human race. Let us gift our children security, peace and love.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Single By Choice
Every life is an interesting story of smiles and tears, of success and failure... and of lessons learned ( and at times unlearned too!)
I think it is very rightly said that there are no extraordinary people; there are only extraordinary situations which ordinary people rise up to meet with fortitude and patience. And I am surprised by the number of ordinary women, with hardly anything but their conviction and confidence, taking on the hardships of life with a calm on their face and a determination in their heart.
From years bygone and from contemporary time there are stories of such brave women, some of which have left an irrefutable mark on my thought process.
The need for a family and a companion cannot be denied, and interestingly in every phase of life this need although manifesting itself differently, is nonetheless important in its own way.
So one might wonder how these women have compromised on their singlehood.
There is one thing common in all these stories. These women have been immensely feminine and fiercely dignified.
In my childhood I had seen a woman visit my grand-father and spend hours with him in his office. When done with the business, she would sit with the women of the house chatting over a cup of tea and snacks. I still vaguely remember her sophistication and the way she carried herself. Unknowingly she had cast her spell on the innocent little girl that I was then.
Later I was to know that she was a widow and used to come over for advice on legal matters. She was her husband's second wife. Becoming a widow with six daughters and two sons (who were minor), and some step-children (who were all adults) and not surprisingly very hostile to her, was a nightmare that she had not bargained for. But she held on patiently as her late husband's off-springs from his late first wife dragged her to court and harassed her otherwise also in every possible manner.
Her patience has paid back richly as her children and grandchildren are now not only well settled, but also making valuable contribution in the field of education and business in India and abroad.
On another occasion I was completely stunned when a friend told me about her great grand-mother's take on marriage. More than seventy years back, in an orthodox Muslim family, this would have meant a revolution, taking by storm the entire clan.
With all of my broad-mindedness I could not imagine a hardly educated, burqa-clad woman, who had never seen the world outside the expanse of her family's zamindaari, be so bold, forthright and so enviably dignified.
It was not uncommon for the zamindaars to remarry, and then go on remarrying for as many times as they liked...and also have affairs outside these multiple-marriages!!!
So much for their disgusting manliness.
Then why was this woman upset at her husband's (mis)deeds so much so that when she found out he had another woman in his life, she took off all her adornments and jewellery, wore simple clothes (as expected of a widow in those days) and threw him out of her life forever.
She had made a powerful statement.
She had silently pronounced him dead.
She remained single for the rest of her life, her head held high and the peace of her mind visible on her serene face, as I saw in a beautiful painting of her.
Then there is this doctor's widow. At 26, she found herself widowed with five children, her only male child was a few months old at that time. Her entire family was in India while she had to go across the border to Pakistan when her husband migrated with his family. After her husband's death, whatever assets and property he had left was usurped by his relatives there, and she was left with almost nothing. But keeping up her self-respect and dignity, she took on the challenges life mercilessly pitched at her.
Now she looks back on the years gone by as if that was a horrible dream, from which she has woken up fearlessly.
All her children are doing very well and have excelled exemplarily in academics and profession alike.
The contentment of a life well-lived is unfailingly visible in the depth of her beautiful eyes.
I know another woman who found that she could not carry on with the husband and decided to divorce him. Again in a conservative Indian Muslim family about forty years back, how difficult and humiliating this would have been is not hard to imagine. But she stood her ground. It was very tough for her to bring together all the broken threads of her life and tie them into a secure knot. Her daughter was only two-three years old at that time. This brave woman fought all odds and kept clear of the mud-slinging as she went on to complete her research in Chemistry and is among the better-known women scientists in India, actively contributing to education and social work. Her daughter is now a doctor, well settled and very proud of her mother.
And there was this young ravishing twenty year old, jubilant at having completed her first year in medicine, when her family announced that there was already a marriage proposal for her that she must not let go. The would-be groom belonged to a reputed, well-connected and obviously extremely wealthy family. He was handsome and himself a doctor.
At nineteen/twenty how much of the world has anyone seen? She did not think twice before giving in to the wishes of her elders.
A few weeks into the marriage she realised that her husband's promise to let her continue with her studies was a big lie, and that she had to either "obey" him or...
she chose the other option. Instead of carrying on with the stale air of slavery she preferred the elixir of freedom.
No wonder she is more than happy with her decision.
Local trains in Mumbai give you opportunities to meet some of the most courageous women around.
This woman who sells fruits in the ladies compartment, looking just about thirty... fair, with a pleasant face, but so thin, one could possibly count all her bones, told me that her husband, when around had never done anything to support her, but she loved him and bore all his nastiness, she provided apart from everything else, even for his drink, but still he left her for another woman.
While she fends for herself and her children all by herself now, in a paradox of sorts, she also looks after her ex-husband's handicapped sister who still lives with her!
Now when I look at her I see a woman with immense courage staring back at me, her eyes filled with undeterred confidence.
It is often a taken-for-granted that man-woman relationship is the strongest foundation of a marriage. I say this because people bring it up even out-of-context at times when talking about single women. It often has a mean shade to it also as in they often doubt the character of women who are barve enough to choose singlehood over tormenting relationships.
But I often wonder if sexual gratification is the only aspect women look for in a marriage.
Reminds me of yet another woman who was very young when she opted for a divorce. For quite some time she did not even get the custody of her only child. She had studied commercial art at one of Mumbai's prestigious institution, but gave up her job and became a recluse after this unfortunate twist in her life.
It was really a tough task for her supportive and patient family to bring her back to normalcy. They allowed her the freedom to choose a lifestyle that she felt comfortable with.
She took time, but has successfully come out of her self-imposed exile. Her son now lives with her and she has taken up teaching in a reputed Mumbai college.
There is yet another woman who lost her husband when she was quite young. Four small children and this unlettered woman alone in the slums of Mumbai's Dharavi had nowhere to go. But this courageous woman took on life like a lioness takes on her enemy if her cubs are in danger. She fought for her rights each day. Went through hell...has now come out of a scorching "angi pareeksha" unscathed!
Her children look up to her as the only Goddess that they know!
And this one is about someone who I had always imagined to be living in a state of perfect bliss.
She is extermely beautiful. Her ex-husband is a powerful officer. She has a daughter and a son... and till some time back had every material luxury one could ever ask for.
The news of her divorce, soon after her daughter's wedding, came as a jolt to all her friends and family, who were in shock for many days.
It turned out that her marriage was not going anywhere for quite some time, but she chose to carry on with her man for the sake of her children. Once her daughter got married, she decided to quit.
People wanted to know "Why Now?"
She wanted to know "Why Not Now?"
She now lives alone and does what she likes best: Writing.
There are so many examples of women choosing their peace of mind over a humiliating relationship. Remarriage was perhaps a taboo for women some decades ago. But the society is evolving and we have come a long way since then. So the question is why should a woman choose to remain single when she can remarry.
After all as I said in the beginning one needs a companion in life, and as someone benevolently tried to elaborate for the sake of the uninitiated, that such a companion "has to be someone other than family, children or the usual friends".
Does one conclude then, that women "sacrifice" some of their worldly pleasure for the sake of their children?
May be true. As a mother no sacrifice is big enough for a woman.
Then why this friend of mine, who lost her husband some years back, and has no children, choose to remain single?
People who are not part of the problem may look at the single woman with sympathy for charitable (or even selfish) reasons. But ask a woman who goes through it all and one may be surprised to know how comfortable and at peace these women are.
From the olden days till today there have been courageous women who have held their honour and lived a respectful life without "missing the man", and it has been worthwhile too, bringing much contentment for the woman herself as she takes a walk down the memory lane taking stock of all that she has been through. It is pleasuresome to find that the journey has enriched her spiritually and socially; strengthened her morally and intellectually.
A woman has the strength and the intelligence. She can choose her companion.
And what is so wrong if sometimes she chooses single-hood as that ideal companion?
I think it is very rightly said that there are no extraordinary people; there are only extraordinary situations which ordinary people rise up to meet with fortitude and patience. And I am surprised by the number of ordinary women, with hardly anything but their conviction and confidence, taking on the hardships of life with a calm on their face and a determination in their heart.
From years bygone and from contemporary time there are stories of such brave women, some of which have left an irrefutable mark on my thought process.
The need for a family and a companion cannot be denied, and interestingly in every phase of life this need although manifesting itself differently, is nonetheless important in its own way.
So one might wonder how these women have compromised on their singlehood.
There is one thing common in all these stories. These women have been immensely feminine and fiercely dignified.
In my childhood I had seen a woman visit my grand-father and spend hours with him in his office. When done with the business, she would sit with the women of the house chatting over a cup of tea and snacks. I still vaguely remember her sophistication and the way she carried herself. Unknowingly she had cast her spell on the innocent little girl that I was then.
Later I was to know that she was a widow and used to come over for advice on legal matters. She was her husband's second wife. Becoming a widow with six daughters and two sons (who were minor), and some step-children (who were all adults) and not surprisingly very hostile to her, was a nightmare that she had not bargained for. But she held on patiently as her late husband's off-springs from his late first wife dragged her to court and harassed her otherwise also in every possible manner.
Her patience has paid back richly as her children and grandchildren are now not only well settled, but also making valuable contribution in the field of education and business in India and abroad.
On another occasion I was completely stunned when a friend told me about her great grand-mother's take on marriage. More than seventy years back, in an orthodox Muslim family, this would have meant a revolution, taking by storm the entire clan.
With all of my broad-mindedness I could not imagine a hardly educated, burqa-clad woman, who had never seen the world outside the expanse of her family's zamindaari, be so bold, forthright and so enviably dignified.
It was not uncommon for the zamindaars to remarry, and then go on remarrying for as many times as they liked...and also have affairs outside these multiple-marriages!!!
So much for their disgusting manliness.
Then why was this woman upset at her husband's (mis)deeds so much so that when she found out he had another woman in his life, she took off all her adornments and jewellery, wore simple clothes (as expected of a widow in those days) and threw him out of her life forever.
She had made a powerful statement.
She had silently pronounced him dead.
She remained single for the rest of her life, her head held high and the peace of her mind visible on her serene face, as I saw in a beautiful painting of her.
Then there is this doctor's widow. At 26, she found herself widowed with five children, her only male child was a few months old at that time. Her entire family was in India while she had to go across the border to Pakistan when her husband migrated with his family. After her husband's death, whatever assets and property he had left was usurped by his relatives there, and she was left with almost nothing. But keeping up her self-respect and dignity, she took on the challenges life mercilessly pitched at her.
Now she looks back on the years gone by as if that was a horrible dream, from which she has woken up fearlessly.
All her children are doing very well and have excelled exemplarily in academics and profession alike.
The contentment of a life well-lived is unfailingly visible in the depth of her beautiful eyes.
I know another woman who found that she could not carry on with the husband and decided to divorce him. Again in a conservative Indian Muslim family about forty years back, how difficult and humiliating this would have been is not hard to imagine. But she stood her ground. It was very tough for her to bring together all the broken threads of her life and tie them into a secure knot. Her daughter was only two-three years old at that time. This brave woman fought all odds and kept clear of the mud-slinging as she went on to complete her research in Chemistry and is among the better-known women scientists in India, actively contributing to education and social work. Her daughter is now a doctor, well settled and very proud of her mother.
And there was this young ravishing twenty year old, jubilant at having completed her first year in medicine, when her family announced that there was already a marriage proposal for her that she must not let go. The would-be groom belonged to a reputed, well-connected and obviously extremely wealthy family. He was handsome and himself a doctor.
At nineteen/twenty how much of the world has anyone seen? She did not think twice before giving in to the wishes of her elders.
A few weeks into the marriage she realised that her husband's promise to let her continue with her studies was a big lie, and that she had to either "obey" him or...
she chose the other option. Instead of carrying on with the stale air of slavery she preferred the elixir of freedom.
No wonder she is more than happy with her decision.
Local trains in Mumbai give you opportunities to meet some of the most courageous women around.
This woman who sells fruits in the ladies compartment, looking just about thirty... fair, with a pleasant face, but so thin, one could possibly count all her bones, told me that her husband, when around had never done anything to support her, but she loved him and bore all his nastiness, she provided apart from everything else, even for his drink, but still he left her for another woman.
While she fends for herself and her children all by herself now, in a paradox of sorts, she also looks after her ex-husband's handicapped sister who still lives with her!
Now when I look at her I see a woman with immense courage staring back at me, her eyes filled with undeterred confidence.
It is often a taken-for-granted that man-woman relationship is the strongest foundation of a marriage. I say this because people bring it up even out-of-context at times when talking about single women. It often has a mean shade to it also as in they often doubt the character of women who are barve enough to choose singlehood over tormenting relationships.
But I often wonder if sexual gratification is the only aspect women look for in a marriage.
Reminds me of yet another woman who was very young when she opted for a divorce. For quite some time she did not even get the custody of her only child. She had studied commercial art at one of Mumbai's prestigious institution, but gave up her job and became a recluse after this unfortunate twist in her life.
It was really a tough task for her supportive and patient family to bring her back to normalcy. They allowed her the freedom to choose a lifestyle that she felt comfortable with.
She took time, but has successfully come out of her self-imposed exile. Her son now lives with her and she has taken up teaching in a reputed Mumbai college.
There is yet another woman who lost her husband when she was quite young. Four small children and this unlettered woman alone in the slums of Mumbai's Dharavi had nowhere to go. But this courageous woman took on life like a lioness takes on her enemy if her cubs are in danger. She fought for her rights each day. Went through hell...has now come out of a scorching "angi pareeksha" unscathed!
Her children look up to her as the only Goddess that they know!
And this one is about someone who I had always imagined to be living in a state of perfect bliss.
She is extermely beautiful. Her ex-husband is a powerful officer. She has a daughter and a son... and till some time back had every material luxury one could ever ask for.
The news of her divorce, soon after her daughter's wedding, came as a jolt to all her friends and family, who were in shock for many days.
It turned out that her marriage was not going anywhere for quite some time, but she chose to carry on with her man for the sake of her children. Once her daughter got married, she decided to quit.
People wanted to know "Why Now?"
She wanted to know "Why Not Now?"
She now lives alone and does what she likes best: Writing.
There are so many examples of women choosing their peace of mind over a humiliating relationship. Remarriage was perhaps a taboo for women some decades ago. But the society is evolving and we have come a long way since then. So the question is why should a woman choose to remain single when she can remarry.
After all as I said in the beginning one needs a companion in life, and as someone benevolently tried to elaborate for the sake of the uninitiated, that such a companion "has to be someone other than family, children or the usual friends".
Does one conclude then, that women "sacrifice" some of their worldly pleasure for the sake of their children?
May be true. As a mother no sacrifice is big enough for a woman.
Then why this friend of mine, who lost her husband some years back, and has no children, choose to remain single?
People who are not part of the problem may look at the single woman with sympathy for charitable (or even selfish) reasons. But ask a woman who goes through it all and one may be surprised to know how comfortable and at peace these women are.
From the olden days till today there have been courageous women who have held their honour and lived a respectful life without "missing the man", and it has been worthwhile too, bringing much contentment for the woman herself as she takes a walk down the memory lane taking stock of all that she has been through. It is pleasuresome to find that the journey has enriched her spiritually and socially; strengthened her morally and intellectually.
A woman has the strength and the intelligence. She can choose her companion.
And what is so wrong if sometimes she chooses single-hood as that ideal companion?
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Remembering Hatchya Begum
Not many people knew her real name. But a lot many in the town knew that her quiwami siavai and kachchey queemey ke kababs were gourmet delights to die for.
Her assemblage of perfumes and lipsticks , and the way she cherished each piece was incredible
Her botanical knowledge had the best of horticulturists looking up to her.
Her expertise in house-keeping could bring insecurity to the biggest names in the profession.
She was meticulous, systematic and thoroughly devoted to her femininity.
She was Hatchya Begum.
I met Hatchya Begum when she was in her mid-sixties.
In my heavily laden treasure of memories the picture of my first meeting with this sparkling bundle of femininity is enlivening and fresh like the morning dew on rose petals.
It was in the winter of 1983.
After Christmas and before New Year.
The most festive period in the whole world ... 🎊🎁💐💐💐
And very special for me as I had just been married 💝💝💝
Hatchya Begum came to meet me as I was recovering from a spell of severe cold and fever.
Interestingly my feminine instincts were intact inspite of the fever 😊
I still remember she was wearing a sober green embroidered sari and a matching long sweater , she was so full of affection and warmth , her fair complexion glowed in the mild winter sun rays sifting through the spotless glass windows , while her strawberry-red lipstick set her lips on fire.
She was elegance personified as her presence filled the room abundantly with the fragrance of her imported perfume.
Her long jhumkas studded with emeralds and the matching neck-piece was perhaps a heirloom 😊
A small clove-like gold ornament adorned her nose and her large eyes looked at me from behind the clear glasses set in a golden frame, perched gracefully on her nose.
I was informed that she lived next door and our houses had a common wall running through the courtyard.
She was to become my closest and most affectionate sympathiser in the years to come as her constrained longing for my well being became very evident with the passage of time.
She gave me useful tips to ease the process of settling down in a completely new environment after marriage.
Her advice / suggestions to me on housekeeping , cooking and even carrying myself according to place and occasion came with amazing tact that they seemed like casual notings .
She invariably satisfied my ego showering me with praises , specially if some guests were around.
Her husband, a retired officer of the government of India , a thoroughly devoted educationist was respected by everyone for his professional expertise and honesty.
Even after his retirement , he kept himself involved in issues related to education , that was his passion as he worked till his last breath for the cause of women's education and emancipation .
His command over Urdu and English was impeccable , so much so that he often guided local writers in their work.
He was also instrumental in making many a rich and spoilt brats in town become decent and successful householders excelling in business and personal affairs alike.
Marrying such a remarkable man , who solved problems as if they were playthings , was perhaps the best thing that happened to Hatchya Begum.
While he allowed her the freedom to grow as an individual , he was always there for her , looking after her as if she was an infirm child.
By the time I met them , they had attained an enviable completeness and strength in their relationship that was not captive to its culmination into their parenthood.
Their marriage seemed so profoundly blissful and they were so intensely in love with each other that their togetherness truly defined what a marriage should really be like.
Is it easy to have such a fulfilling bond of fondness ?
Certainly not.
Hatchya Begum and her husband must have built the world they lived in with loads of patience , maturity and trust shared over the years
Surely their efforts were well rewarded 😊
She loved shopping , he liked to earn enough for her to spend.
He had a passion for food , she saw to it that every meal on their dining table turned out to be a feast.
He fussed over her smallest requirement.
She bought for him lovely gifts.
Being with Hatchya Begum was always a wonderful experience.
Her contentment with her own self oozed out like a soothing balm and she spread a sense of cheer all around her.
One of her greatest attributes was that she never spoke ill of anyone. In fact I have this very firm belief that she avoided speaking about people who had made her unhappy or those whom she did not like.
She talked (often repeating herself many times over) about the joyous experiences with family, friends, and even servants, animals and plants that had brought her pleasure.
She could go on talking profusely about the various species of flowering shrubs, ways of cooking fish in unusual spice combination or doing extraordinary patterns in knitting and crochet, but one hardly ever caught her back-biting 😘
Be it dinners, lunches, mendhi ceremonies, marriage celebration, birthday parties, "milad" gatherings or any other event , there was not an invitation that she did not honour.
From the most powerful and richest in town to the modest and poorest , whoever conferred upon her the distinction of being lovable and special, she returned the gesture with equal graciousness.
Tell her a secret and it got buried deep inside her, like a coral in the deep sea bed. While you unburdened yourself, you also had the satisfaction that your secret was safe with her !
Hatchya Begum was like Spring Time : full of youthful energy , so much in love with life , so warm and vibrant.
She made trivialities seem special and important.
It was this quality that endeared her to many.
She never missed an opportunity to be happy And as I look back I think her strongest trait was that she loved whatever she did.
The elaborate arrangement that went in to planning an important journey , or preparing for the day ahead over a cup of tea in the verandah after a refreshing morning walk were equally important and enjoyable for her.
She celebrated every moment that she lived.
Too good to be true?
Yeah ... one might think so.
After all perfection is the virtue of God.
But Hatchya Begum was a mortal human being. So she was not perfect too.
She had her share of shortcomings.
I have read this somewhere :
"The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you; but to have another with whom you might share your completeness".
And if this be true, then Hatchya Begum's greatest shortcoming was her total lack of confidence in living life all by herself.
She feared loneliness.
She was devastated after the death of her husband and for a couple of weeks it seemed like she was making an effort to breathe in the suffocating vaccum that had come into her life
She however displayed astonishing fortitude and surprised everyone by gradually and gracefully coming to terms with the most tragic reality of her life
She did not break down while taking the most painful decision of her life : to leave the house that she had shared with her husband and move to another city to live with her nephew and his family.
One by one she started sorting out things that she and her husband had held close to heart like one would hold their child close to bossom over more than fifty long years making a home for themselves
Much of these possessions had to be discarded
Each time she gave one of her cherished treasure to someone , she seemed to grow emotionally stronger and move one step forward in learning to live without the protective sheild of her husband's love ...
For a long time after she left , her house remained unoccupied. But then we got new neighbours. A young couple with two small children.
The place came to life once again, but never quite get back the enthusiasm , fun and merriment it had seen when the aged and childless Hatchya Begum and her husband had occupied it.
It was wonderful to have her stay with us during her last visit to Allahabad
By some sheer coincidence it was around the same time that I had met her the first time.
A lot had changed since then.
Hatchya Begum had had three fractures in both her legs, her eyes and ears were not as sharp as they used to be.
Age had weakened her body, but her spirit to remain happpy was still like a gushing mountain stream.
She loved life and so she loved people too.
In return people loved her.
Hatchya Begum had another uniquely gratifying quality too. She liked to bring people together and let new friendships blossom.
There was a stream of all sorts of people visiting her everyday
So there were some beautiful reunions too 😊😊😊
Hatchya Begum always seemed at peace with herself. Yet by quite a queer paradox she also seemed to be searching something constantly.
Deep inside she was vulnerable with a heart that broke easily
But I never asked about her unfulfilled desires because for me she was a most splendid celebration of womanhood in its enterity .
Absolutely charming and as enchantingly unique as her name , she has made a special and unwavering place for herself in our hearts 💐💐💐
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Are Muslims Terrorists
After every terror attack anywhere in the world, Muslim names, individual as well as groups, pop up as being the perpetrators of the ghastly acts that put Islam to shame and the entire community is made to feel guilty. It is like as if the entire Muslim community should be crucified for the crimes of some among them. And that it is the benevolence of non-Muslims that the Muslim community is allowed to live on this planet.
I am sorry, but I strongly denounce this kind of charitable sympathy and for all that it means I am not ready to take it. I am a person with some self respect. I know for sure that most of the people from my community across the world have nothing to do with all these killer activities going on. We just don't fit in this kind of setup as there is absolutely no benefit that we could possibly derive out of it...not even the so called "ticket to heaven". Most of the Muslims had nothing to do with the creation of Pakistan. In fact Muslims of North India have their hearts bleeding as their families split and I have seen tears roll down a lot many Hindu cheeks when they remember their friends who had to leave their Motherland as they had been looted of all that they had and driven away from their place of birth mercilessly while on the other side of the border Hindus had to face similar brutality.
I have been observing with some interest the timings of any kind of terror act in the recent times. I have also been observing with a lot of pain how voices of sanity are being ridiculed. Every time skeletons from the past are dug out by the warring groups and any meaningful dialogue which could bring about peace for at least our coming generations is slaughtered at the altar of selfish academic and political interests. Realms of paper and hundreds of hours of air time is being devoted to war of words but nothing seems to have come out of it.
I am neither a politician nor an academic scholar. And I am very happy that most of the common people are not. But the sad part is that this makes us vulnerable to the immoral agendas of vulturous power-seekers. The brainwashing is so perfect that no one gives a thought to the fact that there are good and bad people everywhere and in all communities. And the youth who opt for carrying out these terrorist activities are certainly not guided by love for their faith. They are brainwashed by a coward who himself does not have courage to die for whatever his cause may be.
Hemant Karkare had said in an interview that he was looking at individuals and not any community or organisation while carrying out his investigations. For as long as he was probing cases against Muslims it was fine. When Hindu names started coming up, he started getting threatening messages. Leading right wing leaders openly denounced him and his activities. They even have the right to take the law in their hands and ironically go about doing all kinds of anti national activity in the name of religion and patriotism.
They have asked for the proof of Muslim patriotism and loyalty to India far too many times.
It is now their turn (to prove theirs.)
Also the RSS, BJP, Shiv Sena, MNS, Ram Sene, Bajrang Dal, VHP etc notoriously and openly disregard the Constitution of India. It is astonishing how law of the land seems a helpless onlooker when the representatives of these outfits make an evident mockery of it.
The youth who stray into the deadly world of terrorism are perhaps either in it for money or attention. They have been either deprived of love and affection or the comforts and necessities of life. However their sin still is unpardonable. All the existing bunch of terror mercenaries must see for themselves what their fate invariably is...the dead terrorists in the Mumbai attacks are not even getting the proverbial "do gaz zamin" for their dead bodies. And what have their families or the community gained as a result of their activities ?
The terrorists (who actually perform the acts of terror) are certainly not human. But what shall we call (and how shall we punish) those who divide people, preach hatred, mock laws of the land and make terrorists out of insecure persons...?
Zohra Javed.
I am sorry, but I strongly denounce this kind of charitable sympathy and for all that it means I am not ready to take it. I am a person with some self respect. I know for sure that most of the people from my community across the world have nothing to do with all these killer activities going on. We just don't fit in this kind of setup as there is absolutely no benefit that we could possibly derive out of it...not even the so called "ticket to heaven". Most of the Muslims had nothing to do with the creation of Pakistan. In fact Muslims of North India have their hearts bleeding as their families split and I have seen tears roll down a lot many Hindu cheeks when they remember their friends who had to leave their Motherland as they had been looted of all that they had and driven away from their place of birth mercilessly while on the other side of the border Hindus had to face similar brutality.
I have been observing with some interest the timings of any kind of terror act in the recent times. I have also been observing with a lot of pain how voices of sanity are being ridiculed. Every time skeletons from the past are dug out by the warring groups and any meaningful dialogue which could bring about peace for at least our coming generations is slaughtered at the altar of selfish academic and political interests. Realms of paper and hundreds of hours of air time is being devoted to war of words but nothing seems to have come out of it.
I am neither a politician nor an academic scholar. And I am very happy that most of the common people are not. But the sad part is that this makes us vulnerable to the immoral agendas of vulturous power-seekers. The brainwashing is so perfect that no one gives a thought to the fact that there are good and bad people everywhere and in all communities. And the youth who opt for carrying out these terrorist activities are certainly not guided by love for their faith. They are brainwashed by a coward who himself does not have courage to die for whatever his cause may be.
Hemant Karkare had said in an interview that he was looking at individuals and not any community or organisation while carrying out his investigations. For as long as he was probing cases against Muslims it was fine. When Hindu names started coming up, he started getting threatening messages. Leading right wing leaders openly denounced him and his activities. They even have the right to take the law in their hands and ironically go about doing all kinds of anti national activity in the name of religion and patriotism.
They have asked for the proof of Muslim patriotism and loyalty to India far too many times.
It is now their turn (to prove theirs.)
Also the RSS, BJP, Shiv Sena, MNS, Ram Sene, Bajrang Dal, VHP etc notoriously and openly disregard the Constitution of India. It is astonishing how law of the land seems a helpless onlooker when the representatives of these outfits make an evident mockery of it.
The youth who stray into the deadly world of terrorism are perhaps either in it for money or attention. They have been either deprived of love and affection or the comforts and necessities of life. However their sin still is unpardonable. All the existing bunch of terror mercenaries must see for themselves what their fate invariably is...the dead terrorists in the Mumbai attacks are not even getting the proverbial "do gaz zamin" for their dead bodies. And what have their families or the community gained as a result of their activities ?
The terrorists (who actually perform the acts of terror) are certainly not human. But what shall we call (and how shall we punish) those who divide people, preach hatred, mock laws of the land and make terrorists out of insecure persons...?
Zohra Javed.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Raj And Azmi : Two Sides Of The Same Coin
I have a feeling: Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) and Samajwadi Party are feeding each other. They are the true friends in need of each other in Maharashtra. After splitting from Uncle Bal Thackeray, Raj is still struggling to find a foothold all across the state.
Samajwadi Party and the Bahujan Samaj Party also would like to register presence in Maharashtra in a bid to spread wings and increase their cadre from regional to national levels. So when Raj unleashed his terror on the North Indians, and Behenji was preoccupied with her legal problems, the opportunity fell directly in the eagerly stretched out Samajwadi hands. The party grabbed it hawk-like!
And now the common man is witnessing another political tamasha that threatens to become bloody considering the "national-patriot" Abu Azmi and the "regional-patriot" Raj Thackeray's zeal for their respective ambitions.
For the time being Shiv Sena's legendary roar seems nothing more than a slightly loud murmur, to which the Marathi Manoos and the Bhaiyya from the North can dare to be indifferent at least for the present.
Abu Azmi's adamant arrogance matches perfectly with the Thackerays' wildly violent love for Marathi Manoos. In insisting on taking oath in Hindi and playing the National language v/s Regional language card, Azmi went a bit too far. It is rather unbelievable that he is staying in Maharashtra since 1973, has been in public life for a long time, hopes to sit in the Maharashtra Assembly, and yet never tried to learn Marathi.
One would have accepted that since he is not very well-versed in Marathi, his request that he be given the documents and important papers in Hindi, although he could have opted for English as well, be granted. But I cannot buy the argument that he could not speak even a sentence or two in Marathi for the oath-taking ceremony even as a token of his regard for the people of Maharashtra.
But is this kind of divisiveness not evident elsewhere too? Unfortunately it is far too evident across the globe. The politicians really don't have to work hard on this. Religion is one big issue and region, language, caste, etc. follow closely as being the infallible potent remedy for instant fame and unlimited power. Asians v/s Non-Asians, Muslims v/s Non-Muslims, North v/s South, Northern Hemisphere v/s Southern Hemisphere...the list goes on! The potential for dividing people is immense.
However can emotions vary in their intensity when expressed in different languages? Pain, love, compassion, hatred and all the human feelings for that matter are felt with much the same force and degree by all human beings. How do you feel a sorrow in Hindi, Marathi, Urdu, French, German...and similarly joys need not have a language to spill out.
Thus the feelings, as expressed for instance in "Mee lek laadki ya ghar chi..." and "Babul ki duaaein leti jaa..." express with equal sensitivity the "bidaai" of a girl after her marriage.
And the lessons that one learns from the life of a fisherman's travails at sea will not be different in Hindi or Marathi.
"Waadal vaaraa sutla ga..." and "O! Maajhi re, apna kinaraa nadiya ki dhaara hai..." are so much alike when it comes to emotions expressed.
I pity the Abu Azmis, the Thackerays and their likes for what they are missing in their lives. And which all their money cannot buy, but which their compassion could make so easy for them to have. The common man for once can be much better off than these fighting netas if one chooses not to get carried away by their rhetoric. We, the people must realize our responsibility which is very well expressed by Sahir Ludhyanvi in the following lines:
"Nafraton ke jahan mein hum ko,
Pyar ki bastiyan basaani hain;
Door rehna koi kamaal nahi,
Paas aao to koi baat baney..."
Zohra Javed
Samajwadi Party and the Bahujan Samaj Party also would like to register presence in Maharashtra in a bid to spread wings and increase their cadre from regional to national levels. So when Raj unleashed his terror on the North Indians, and Behenji was preoccupied with her legal problems, the opportunity fell directly in the eagerly stretched out Samajwadi hands. The party grabbed it hawk-like!
And now the common man is witnessing another political tamasha that threatens to become bloody considering the "national-patriot" Abu Azmi and the "regional-patriot" Raj Thackeray's zeal for their respective ambitions.
For the time being Shiv Sena's legendary roar seems nothing more than a slightly loud murmur, to which the Marathi Manoos and the Bhaiyya from the North can dare to be indifferent at least for the present.
Abu Azmi's adamant arrogance matches perfectly with the Thackerays' wildly violent love for Marathi Manoos. In insisting on taking oath in Hindi and playing the National language v/s Regional language card, Azmi went a bit too far. It is rather unbelievable that he is staying in Maharashtra since 1973, has been in public life for a long time, hopes to sit in the Maharashtra Assembly, and yet never tried to learn Marathi.
One would have accepted that since he is not very well-versed in Marathi, his request that he be given the documents and important papers in Hindi, although he could have opted for English as well, be granted. But I cannot buy the argument that he could not speak even a sentence or two in Marathi for the oath-taking ceremony even as a token of his regard for the people of Maharashtra.
But is this kind of divisiveness not evident elsewhere too? Unfortunately it is far too evident across the globe. The politicians really don't have to work hard on this. Religion is one big issue and region, language, caste, etc. follow closely as being the infallible potent remedy for instant fame and unlimited power. Asians v/s Non-Asians, Muslims v/s Non-Muslims, North v/s South, Northern Hemisphere v/s Southern Hemisphere...the list goes on! The potential for dividing people is immense.
However can emotions vary in their intensity when expressed in different languages? Pain, love, compassion, hatred and all the human feelings for that matter are felt with much the same force and degree by all human beings. How do you feel a sorrow in Hindi, Marathi, Urdu, French, German...and similarly joys need not have a language to spill out.
Thus the feelings, as expressed for instance in "Mee lek laadki ya ghar chi..." and "Babul ki duaaein leti jaa..." express with equal sensitivity the "bidaai" of a girl after her marriage.
And the lessons that one learns from the life of a fisherman's travails at sea will not be different in Hindi or Marathi.
"Waadal vaaraa sutla ga..." and "O! Maajhi re, apna kinaraa nadiya ki dhaara hai..." are so much alike when it comes to emotions expressed.
I pity the Abu Azmis, the Thackerays and their likes for what they are missing in their lives. And which all their money cannot buy, but which their compassion could make so easy for them to have. The common man for once can be much better off than these fighting netas if one chooses not to get carried away by their rhetoric. We, the people must realize our responsibility which is very well expressed by Sahir Ludhyanvi in the following lines:
"Nafraton ke jahan mein hum ko,
Pyar ki bastiyan basaani hain;
Door rehna koi kamaal nahi,
Paas aao to koi baat baney..."
Zohra Javed
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)