Meri Amma ka Paandaan

In my native place , Shahjahanpur , Muslim Khaandaans are into paan culture big time 

Even now , although colas have replaced sherbats and biscuits have replaced home made snacks , paan and chaai have no alternatives 

Paandaan , khaasdaan and giloris have been around for as far back as I can remember 

In Tata residential colonies too , where we used to stay , I remember these things were part of our home 

When my father went to Iran on a TCS project , we used to visit him there in our summer holidays 

And Mummy being a paan addict would carry all the ingredients and a good fat bundle of fresh green paans hoping them to last through the holidays 

Sometimes her supply would run out and then she would make use of any damn edible leaf !!!

My father , though not an addict , enjoyed one proper gilori after lunch 

As I am writing , so many images from an era gone by are popping up longingly in front of my eyes ... 

My naani making the giloris for my nanaa's guests , placing them in a silver tray and sending them to my Nana's sitting area downstairs 

My sister's mother-in-law cutting the betelnut in fine and tiny bits with amazing precision , and kabaab khaaeiN naa khaaeiN , for us paan is a must eat at her place   

Paan koi bhi haq samajh kar maaNg leta tha , be it anyone , I remember this line "Bibi paan khilaao naa" often at my Daadi's place 

As far as I can remember Paan was a must in every Muslim household in Shahjahanpur 

Giving a paandaan and khaasdaan to the daughter when she got married was as important as gifting the sewing machine 😊😊😊

But my parents didn't give me paandaan 

My in-laws and husband were no paan fans 

So no one missed a paandaan ever

A little over a decade after my marriage , Hatchya Begum was shifting to Kanpur from Allahabad 

She gifted me her paandaan ( that you see in the pics ) adding a heart touching line : 

" Hamaarey zamaaney meiN betiyoN ko jahez meiN paandaan diya jataa tha ... Tum ko nahi mila tha ... To ye tum rakh lo " 

Heart warming and goose bumpy memories stroll along as you take your life's journey ... bringing sometimes a smile ... sometimes a tear 💝

Some reason ... Honestly no reason ... I gifted Hatchya Begum's Paandaan to my Mom , who had been using my Daadi's paandaan till then ... !!!!!!

And now after my parents passed away this paandaan has come back to me and is kept in my living room along with my Dada's paanoN ki dibiya ( a small box of brass in which my Dada used to carry his paans when he went to court ) 

Till my parents lived I could always have a paan any time I wanted 

Khaair jahaaN bhi haiN 28th Feb ko khushi-khushi celebrate kariye ga 

I miss paans a lot specially after a sumptuous dinner 😊

Happy Anniversary my dear - darling Parents

May your souls be blessed 

💖💖💖

May your blessings for us and our children never end and may we live a life of your dreams  

And may our children happily live the lives that we dream for them 

😊😊😊

Abusive Relationship: A different perspective

"Signs of an abusive relationship :

1) Plays tricks to “test” the relationship 

2) Claims that they hurt you because they love you 

3) Demands you do as they say without question

4) If you think or behave in way that they disapprove they threaten you with harm 

5) Isolate you from anyone who disagrees

6) Tells you this is what true love is 

7) Blames you for their shortcomings 

This is a fwd from a friend that stirred the cells in my brain 

Come to think of it , astonishingly enough many times such an abusive relationship exists between parents and their children !!!

The concept of free thought and liberated mind is ironically a dinosaur that exists in our imagination , but is extinct in reality 

Incidentally I am watching an Urdu television serial these days which is basically a story of two sisters

The elder one is obedient , kind and caring 

The younger one is a free thinking , playful and immature girl 

They are in love with two different boys 

And there's a third boy who is in love with the younger sister 

While the two girls are still contemplating how to break their love stories to their parents , this third boy comes with a marriage proposal ( how he manages to do that is a separate story ) and the marriage is fixed 

But the girl is obviously not happy with this decision , cannot speak her heart's desire before her parents , confides in her elder sibling , who advices her to keep quiet and accept the parent's decision as the will of God 

However on the wedding day this girl elopes with her boy friend leaving the parents red-faced ... !!!

But the boy's mother does some uncompassionate quick-thinking , and declares that to save the honour of the family she cannot go back home without the bride and so her son must get married then and there 

The elder sister is made the scapegoat 

She sacrifices her love to satisfy an empty headed woman's ego , who in spite of being educated and apparently level headed thus far , doesn't even think twice before ruining her own son's happiness 

What happens next as the story unfolds is another matter 

But the point is such a decision coming from a modern sophisticated woman would be considered whimsical had it not been instrumental in damaging the lives of the young unsuspecting people who were hit as if by the lightening from out of the blue 

So in this case such a decision was no short of being insensitive , selfish and even sinful 

Also another point that comes to mind is why did the girl not feel secure enough to discuss her love life with her own parents 

Why did she choose to elope , when ideally in a cordial parent-child relationship , she should have invited her boy friend home and introduced him to her parents ... 

It is the parent's responsibility to make their children comfortable and confident in their home so that they are not scared to talk with their elders 

So like I said somewhere above , does this kind of parental behaviour , as happens in the serial , and which certainly is a reflection of the societal behaviour in our sub continent , not amount to an abusive relationship , between the unlikeliest of people , where elders resort to something akin to emotional blackmail under whatever pretext

And the victims are their own children who love them so much that they innocently fall prey to the ruthless tactics of their parents ?

Perhaps this is precisely the message being conveyed through the story 

Be under no illusions 

This is plain and selfish blackmail and has absolutely no backing from God , but yeah ... Religious leaders may justify the cruelty ... again under whatever pretext ... After all its not about their life , their children ... And more than that their egoistic self righteousness pitiably forbids them to entertain anything on humanitarian grounds !!!