Single By Choice

Every life is an interesting story of smiles and tears, of success and failure... and of lessons learned ( and at times unlearned too!)
I think it is very rightly said that there are no extraordinary people; there are only extraordinary situations which ordinary people rise up to meet with fortitude and patience. And I am surprised by the number of ordinary women, with hardly anything but their conviction and confidence, taking on the hardships of life with a calm on their face and a determination in their heart.
From years bygone and from contemporary time there are stories of such brave women, some of which have left an irrefutable mark on my thought process.

The need for a family and a companion cannot be denied, and interestingly in every phase of life this need although manifesting itself differently, is nonetheless important in its own way.
So one might wonder how these women have compromised on their singlehood.
There is one thing common in all these stories. These women have been immensely feminine and fiercely dignified.

In my childhood I had seen a woman visit my grand-father and spend hours with him in his office. When done with the business, she would sit with the women of the house chatting over a cup of tea and snacks. I still vaguely remember her sophistication and the way she carried herself. Unknowingly she had cast her spell on the innocent little girl that I was then.
Later I was to know that she was a widow and used to come over for advice on legal matters. She was her husband's second wife. Becoming a widow with six daughters and two sons (who were minor), and some step-children (who were all adults) and not surprisingly very hostile to her, was a nightmare that she had not bargained for. But she held on patiently as her late husband's off-springs from his late first wife dragged her to court and harassed her otherwise also in every possible manner.
Her patience has paid back richly as her children and grandchildren are now not only well settled, but also making valuable contribution in the field of education and business in India and abroad.

On another occasion I was completely stunned when a friend told me about her great grand-mother's take on marriage. More than seventy years back, in an orthodox Muslim family, this would have meant a revolution, taking by storm the entire clan.
With all of my broad-mindedness I could not imagine a hardly educated, burqa-clad woman, who had never seen the world outside the expanse of her family's zamindaari, be so bold, forthright and so enviably dignified.
It was not uncommon for the zamindaars to remarry, and then go on remarrying for as many times as they liked...and also have affairs outside these multiple-marriages!!!
So much for their disgusting manliness.
Then why was this woman upset at her husband's (mis)deeds so much so that when she found out he had another woman in his life, she took off all her adornments and jewellery, wore simple clothes (as expected of a widow in those days) and threw him out of her life forever.
She had made a powerful statement.
She had silently pronounced him dead.
She remained single for the rest of her life, her head held high and the peace of her mind visible on her serene face, as I saw in a beautiful painting of her.

Then there is this doctor's widow. At 26, she found herself widowed with five children, her only male child was a few months old at that time. Her entire family was in India while she had to go across the border to Pakistan when her husband migrated with his family. After her husband's death, whatever assets and property he had left was usurped by his relatives there, and she was left with almost nothing. But keeping up her self-respect and dignity, she took on the challenges life mercilessly pitched at her.
Now she looks back on the years gone by as if that was a horrible dream, from which she has woken up fearlessly.
All her children are doing very well and have excelled exemplarily in academics and profession alike.
The contentment of a life well-lived is unfailingly visible in the depth of her beautiful eyes.

I know another woman who found that she could not carry on with the husband and decided to divorce him. Again in a conservative Indian Muslim family about forty years back, how difficult and humiliating this would have been is not hard to imagine. But she stood her ground. It was very tough for her to bring together all the broken threads of her life and tie them into a secure knot. Her daughter was only two-three years old at that time. This brave woman fought all odds and kept clear of the mud-slinging as she went on to complete her research in Chemistry and is among the better-known women scientists in India, actively contributing to education and social work. Her daughter is now a doctor, well settled and very proud of her mother.

And there was this young ravishing twenty year old, jubilant at having completed her first year in medicine, when her family announced that there was already a marriage proposal for her that she must not let go. The would-be groom belonged to a reputed, well-connected and obviously extremely wealthy family. He was handsome and himself a doctor.
At nineteen/twenty how much of the world has anyone seen? She did not think twice before giving in to the wishes of her elders.
A few weeks into the marriage she realised that her husband's promise to let her continue with her studies was a big lie, and that she had to either "obey" him or...
she chose the other option. Instead of carrying on with the stale air of slavery she preferred the elixir of freedom.
No wonder she is more than happy with her decision.

Local trains in Mumbai give you opportunities to meet some of the most courageous women around.
This woman who sells fruits in the ladies compartment, looking just about thirty... fair, with a pleasant face, but so thin, one could possibly count all her bones, told me that her husband, when around had never done anything to support her, but she loved him and bore all his nastiness, she provided apart from everything else, even for his drink, but still he left her for another woman.
While she fends for herself and her children all by herself now, in a paradox of sorts, she also looks after her ex-husband's handicapped sister who still lives with her!
Now when I look at her I see a woman with immense courage staring back at me, her eyes filled with undeterred confidence.

It is often a taken-for-granted that man-woman relationship is the strongest foundation of a marriage. I say this because people bring it up even out-of-context at times when talking about single women. It often has a mean shade to it also as in they often doubt the character of women who are barve enough to choose singlehood over tormenting relationships.
But I often wonder if sexual gratification is the only aspect women look for in a marriage.

Reminds me of yet another woman who was very young when she opted for a divorce. For quite some time she did not even get the custody of her only child. She had studied commercial art at one of Mumbai's prestigious institution, but gave up her job and became a recluse after this unfortunate twist in her life.
It was really a tough task for her supportive and patient family to bring her back to normalcy. They allowed her the freedom to choose a lifestyle that she felt comfortable with.
She took time, but has successfully come out of her self-imposed exile. Her son now lives with her and she has taken up teaching in a reputed Mumbai college.

There is yet another woman who lost her husband when she was quite young. Four small children and this unlettered woman alone in the slums of Mumbai's Dharavi had nowhere to go. But this courageous woman took on life like a lioness takes on her enemy if her cubs are in danger. She fought for her rights each day. Went through hell...has now come out of a scorching "angi pareeksha" unscathed!
Her children look up to her as the only Goddess that they know!

And this one is about someone who I had always imagined to be living in a state of perfect bliss.
She is extermely beautiful. Her ex-husband is a powerful officer. She has a daughter and a son... and till some time back had every material luxury one could ever ask for.
The news of her divorce, soon after her daughter's wedding, came as a jolt to all her friends and family, who were in shock for many days.
It turned out that her marriage was not going anywhere for quite some time, but she chose to carry on with her man for the sake of her children. Once her daughter got married, she decided to quit.
People wanted to know "Why Now?"
She wanted to know "Why Not Now?"
She now lives alone and does what she likes best: Writing.

There are so many examples of women choosing their peace of mind over a humiliating relationship. Remarriage was perhaps a taboo for women some decades ago. But the society is evolving and we have come a long way since then. So the question is why should a woman choose to remain single when she can remarry.
After all as I said in the beginning one needs a companion in life, and as someone benevolently tried to elaborate for the sake of the uninitiated, that such a companion "has to be someone other than family, children or the usual friends".
Does one conclude then, that women "sacrifice" some of their worldly pleasure for the sake of their children?
May be true. As a mother no sacrifice is big enough for a woman.

Then why this friend of mine, who lost her husband some years back, and has no children, choose to remain single?

People who are not part of the problem may look at the single woman with sympathy for charitable (or even selfish) reasons. But ask a woman who goes through it all and one may be surprised to know how comfortable and at peace these women are.

From the olden days till today there have been courageous women who have held their honour and lived a respectful life without "missing the man", and it has been worthwhile too, bringing much contentment for the woman herself as she takes a walk down the memory lane taking stock of all that she has been through. It is pleasuresome to find that the journey has enriched her spiritually and socially; strengthened her morally and intellectually.

A woman has the strength and the intelligence. She can choose her companion.
And what is so wrong if sometimes she chooses single-hood as that ideal companion?

Remembering Hatchya Begum

Not many people knew her real name. But a lot many in the town knew that her quiwami siavai and kachchey queemey ke kababs were gourmet delights to die for. 

Her assemblage of perfumes and lipsticks , and the way she cherished each piece was incredible   

Her botanical knowledge had the best of horticulturists looking up to her. 

Her expertise in house-keeping could bring insecurity to the biggest names in the profession. 

 

She was meticulous, systematic and thoroughly devoted to her femininity. 

She was Hatchya Begum. 

I met Hatchya Begum when she was in her mid-sixties. 

In my heavily laden treasure of memories the picture of my first meeting with this sparkling  bundle of femininity is enlivening and fresh like the morning dew on rose petals. 

It was in the winter of 1983. 

After Christmas and before New Year. 

The most festive period in the whole world ... 🎊🎁💐💐💐

And very special for me as I had just been married 💝💝💝

Hatchya Begum came to meet me as I was recovering from a spell of severe cold and fever.

Interestingly my feminine instincts were intact inspite of the fever 😊  

I still remember she was wearing a sober green embroidered sari and a matching long sweater , she was so full of affection and warmth , her fair complexion glowed in the mild winter sun rays sifting through the spotless glass windows , while her strawberry-red lipstick set her lips on fire. 

She was elegance personified as her presence filled the room abundantly with the fragrance of her imported perfume. 

Her long jhumkas studded with emeralds and the matching neck-piece was perhaps a heirloom 😊

A small clove-like gold ornament adorned her nose and her large eyes looked at me from behind the clear glasses set in a golden frame, perched gracefully on her nose. 

I was informed that she lived next door and our houses had a common wall running through the courtyard. 

She was to become my closest and most affectionate sympathiser in the years to come as her constrained longing for my well being became very evident with the passage of time. 

She gave me useful tips to ease the process of settling down in a completely new environment after marriage. 

Her advice / suggestions to me on housekeeping , cooking and even carrying myself according to place and occasion came with amazing tact that they seemed like casual notings . 

She invariably satisfied my ego showering me with praises , specially if some guests were around. 

Her husband, a retired officer of the government of India , a thoroughly devoted educationist was respected by everyone for his professional expertise and honesty. 

Even after his retirement , he kept himself involved in issues related to education , that was his passion as he worked till his last breath for the cause of women's education and emancipation . 

His command over Urdu and English was impeccable , so much so that he often guided local writers in their work. 

He was also instrumental in making many a rich and spoilt brats in town become decent and successful householders excelling in business and personal affairs alike. 

Marrying such a remarkable man , who solved problems as if they were playthings , was perhaps the best thing that happened to Hatchya Begum. 

While he allowed her the freedom to grow as an individual , he was always there for her , looking after her as if she was an infirm child.

By the time I met them , they had attained an enviable completeness and strength in their relationship that was not captive to its culmination into their parenthood. 

Their marriage seemed so profoundly blissful and they were so intensely in love with each other that their togetherness truly defined what a marriage should really be like. 

Is it easy to have such a fulfilling bond of fondness ? 

Certainly not. 

Hatchya Begum and her husband must have built the world they lived in with loads of patience , maturity and trust shared over the years 

Surely their efforts were well rewarded 😊

She loved shopping , he liked to earn enough for her to spend.

He had a passion for food , she saw to it that every meal on their dining table turned out to be a feast. 

He fussed over her smallest requirement. 

She bought for him lovely gifts. 

Being with Hatchya Begum was always a wonderful experience. 

Her contentment with her own self oozed out like a soothing balm and she spread a sense of cheer all around her. 

One of her greatest attributes was that she never spoke ill of anyone. In fact I have this very firm belief that she avoided speaking about people who had made her unhappy or those whom she did not like. 

She talked (often repeating herself many times over) about the joyous experiences with family, friends, and even servants, animals and plants that had brought her pleasure. 

She could go on talking profusely about the various species of flowering shrubs, ways of cooking fish in unusual spice combination or doing extraordinary patterns in knitting and crochet, but one hardly ever caught her back-biting 😘

Be it dinners, lunches, mendhi ceremonies, marriage celebration, birthday parties, "milad" gatherings or any other event , there was not an invitation that she did not honour. 

From the most powerful and richest in town to the modest and poorest , whoever conferred upon her the distinction of being lovable and special, she returned the gesture with equal graciousness. 

Tell her a secret and it got buried deep inside her, like a coral in the deep sea bed. While you unburdened yourself, you also had the satisfaction that your secret was safe with her ! 

Hatchya Begum was like Spring Time : full of youthful energy , so much in love with life , so warm and vibrant. 

She made trivialities seem special and important.

It was this quality that endeared her to many. 

She never missed an opportunity to be happy And as I look back I think her strongest trait was that she loved whatever she did. 

The elaborate arrangement that went in to planning an important journey , or preparing for the day ahead over a cup of tea in the verandah after a refreshing morning walk were equally important and enjoyable for her. 

She celebrated every moment that she lived. 

Too good to be true? 

Yeah ... one might think so. 

After all perfection is the virtue of God. 

But Hatchya Begum was a mortal human being. So she was not perfect too. 

She had her share of shortcomings. 

I have read this somewhere :

"The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you; but to have another with whom you might share your completeness". 

And if this be true, then Hatchya Begum's greatest shortcoming was her total lack of confidence in living life all by herself. 

She feared loneliness. 

She was devastated after the death of her husband and for a couple of weeks it seemed like she was making an effort to breathe in the suffocating vaccum that had come into her life 

She however displayed astonishing fortitude and surprised everyone by gradually and gracefully coming to terms with the most tragic reality of her life 

She did not break down while taking the most painful decision of her life : to leave the house that she had shared with her husband and move to another city to live with her nephew and his family. 

One by one she started sorting out things that she and her husband had held close to heart like one would hold their child close to bossom over more than fifty long years making a home for themselves

Much of these possessions had to be discarded

Each time she gave one of her cherished treasure to someone , she seemed to grow emotionally stronger and move one step forward in learning to live without the protective sheild of her husband's love ... 

For a long time after she left , her house remained unoccupied. But then we got new neighbours. A young couple with two small children. 

The place came to life once again, but never quite get back the enthusiasm , fun and merriment it had seen when the aged and childless Hatchya Begum and her husband had occupied it. 

It was wonderful to have her stay with us during her last visit to Allahabad 

By some sheer coincidence it was around the same time that I had met her the first time. 

A lot had changed since then. 

Hatchya Begum had had three fractures in both her legs, her eyes and ears were not as sharp as they used to be.

Age had weakened her body, but her spirit to remain happpy was still like a gushing mountain stream. 

She loved life and so she loved people too. 

In return people loved her. 

 

Hatchya Begum had another uniquely gratifying quality too. She liked to bring people together and let new friendships blossom. 

There was a stream of all sorts of people visiting her everyday 

So there were some beautiful reunions too 😊😊😊

Hatchya Begum always seemed at peace with herself. Yet by quite a queer paradox she also seemed to be searching something constantly. 

Deep inside she was vulnerable with a heart that broke easily 

But I never asked about her unfulfilled desires because for me she was a most splendid celebration of womanhood in its enterity . 

Absolutely charming and as enchantingly unique as her name , she has made a special and unwavering place for herself in our hearts 💐💐💐

Are Muslims Terrorists

After every terror attack anywhere in the world, Muslim names, individual as well as groups, pop up as being the perpetrators of the ghastly acts that put Islam to shame and the entire community is made to feel guilty. It is like as if the entire Muslim community should be crucified for the crimes of some among them. And that it is the benevolence of non-Muslims that the Muslim community is allowed to live on this planet.

I am sorry, but I strongly denounce this kind of charitable sympathy and for all that it means I am not ready to take it. I am a person with some self respect. I know for sure that most of the people from my community across the world have nothing to do with all these killer activities going on. We just don't fit in this kind of setup as there is absolutely no benefit that we could possibly derive out of it...not even the so called "ticket to heaven". Most of the Muslims had nothing to do with the creation of Pakistan. In fact Muslims of North India have their hearts bleeding as their families split and I have seen tears roll down a lot many Hindu cheeks when they remember their friends who had to leave their Motherland as they had been looted of all that they had and driven away from their place of birth mercilessly while on the other side of the border Hindus had to face similar brutality.

I have been observing with some interest the timings of any kind of terror act in the recent times. I have also been observing with a lot of pain how voices of sanity are being ridiculed. Every time skeletons from the past are dug out by the warring groups and any meaningful dialogue which could bring about peace for at least our coming generations is slaughtered at the altar of selfish academic and political interests. Realms of paper and hundreds of hours of air time is being devoted to war of words but nothing seems to have come out of it.

I am neither a politician nor an academic scholar. And I am very happy that most of the common people are not. But the sad part is that this makes us vulnerable to the immoral agendas of vulturous power-seekers. The brainwashing is so perfect that no one gives a thought to the fact that there are good and bad people everywhere and in all communities. And the youth who opt for carrying out these terrorist activities are certainly not guided by love for their faith. They are brainwashed by a coward who himself does not have courage to die for whatever his cause may be.

Hemant Karkare had said in an interview that he was looking at individuals and not any community or organisation while carrying out his investigations. For as long as he was probing cases against Muslims it was fine. When Hindu names started coming up, he started getting threatening messages. Leading right wing leaders openly denounced him and his activities. They even have the right to take the law in their hands and ironically go about doing all kinds of anti national activity in the name of religion and patriotism.
They have asked for the proof of Muslim patriotism and loyalty to India far too many times.
It is now their turn (to prove theirs.)
Also the RSS, BJP, Shiv Sena, MNS, Ram Sene, Bajrang Dal, VHP etc notoriously and openly disregard the Constitution of India. It is astonishing how law of the land seems a helpless onlooker when the representatives of these outfits make an evident mockery of it.

The youth who stray into the deadly world of terrorism are perhaps either in it for money or attention. They have been either deprived of love and affection or the comforts and necessities of life. However their sin still is unpardonable. All the existing bunch of terror mercenaries must see for themselves what their fate invariably is...the dead terrorists in the Mumbai attacks are not even getting the proverbial "do gaz zamin" for their dead bodies. And what have their families or the community gained as a result of their activities ?

The terrorists (who actually perform the acts of terror) are certainly not human. But what shall we call (and how shall we punish) those who divide people, preach hatred, mock laws of the land and make terrorists out of insecure persons...?


Zohra Javed.

Raj And Azmi : Two Sides Of The Same Coin

I have a feeling: Maharashtra Navnirman Sena (MNS) and Samajwadi Party are feeding each other. They are the true friends in need of each other in Maharashtra. After splitting from Uncle Bal Thackeray, Raj is still struggling to find a foothold all across the state.

Samajwadi Party and the Bahujan Samaj Party also would like to register presence in Maharashtra in a bid to spread wings and increase their cadre from regional to national levels. So when Raj unleashed his terror on the North Indians, and Behenji was preoccupied with her legal problems, the opportunity fell directly in the eagerly stretched out Samajwadi hands. The party grabbed it hawk-like!

And now the common man is witnessing another political tamasha that threatens to become bloody considering the "national-patriot" Abu Azmi and the "regional-patriot" Raj Thackeray's zeal for their respective ambitions.

For the time being Shiv Sena's legendary roar seems nothing more than a slightly loud murmur, to which the Marathi Manoos and the Bhaiyya from the North can dare to be indifferent at least for the present.

Abu Azmi's adamant arrogance matches perfectly with the Thackerays' wildly violent love for Marathi Manoos. In insisting on taking oath in Hindi and playing the National language v/s Regional language card, Azmi went a bit too far. It is rather unbelievable that he is staying in Maharashtra since 1973, has been in public life for a long time, hopes to sit in the Maharashtra Assembly, and yet never tried to learn Marathi.

One would have accepted that since he is not very well-versed in Marathi, his request that he be given the documents and important papers in Hindi, although he could have opted for English as well, be granted. But I cannot buy the argument that he could not speak even a sentence or two in Marathi for the oath-taking ceremony even as a token of his regard for the people of Maharashtra.

But is this kind of divisiveness not evident elsewhere too? Unfortunately it is far too evident across the globe. The politicians really don't have to work hard on this. Religion is one big issue and region, language, caste, etc. follow closely as being the infallible potent remedy for instant fame and unlimited power. Asians v/s Non-Asians, Muslims v/s Non-Muslims, North v/s South, Northern Hemisphere v/s Southern Hemisphere...the list goes on! The potential for dividing people is immense.

However can emotions vary in their intensity when expressed in different languages? Pain, love, compassion, hatred and all the human feelings for that matter are felt with much the same force and degree by all human beings. How do you feel a sorrow in Hindi, Marathi, Urdu, French, German...and similarly joys need not have a language to spill out.

Thus the feelings, as expressed for instance in "Mee lek laadki ya ghar chi..." and "Babul ki duaaein leti jaa..." express with equal sensitivity the "bidaai" of a girl after her marriage.

And the lessons that one learns from the life of a fisherman's travails at sea will not be different in Hindi or Marathi.

"Waadal vaaraa sutla ga..." and "O! Maajhi re, apna kinaraa nadiya ki dhaara hai..." are so much alike when it comes to emotions expressed.

I pity the Abu Azmis, the Thackerays and their likes for what they are missing in their lives. And which all their money cannot buy, but which their compassion could make so easy for them to have. The common man for once can be much better off than these fighting netas if one chooses not to get carried away by their rhetoric. We, the people must realize our responsibility which is very well expressed by Sahir Ludhyanvi in the following lines:

"Nafraton ke jahan mein hum ko,
Pyar ki bastiyan basaani hain;
Door rehna koi kamaal nahi,
Paas aao to koi baat baney..."

Zohra Javed

Maa Tujhe Salaam

"Vande Mataram" has such beautiful words that even those who do not
understand Sanskrit and Bengali are hypnotized by their rhythm and serenity.
Vande Mataram, I think is a beautiful song and must be critically examined
for its beauty and literary value.

In a BBC survey in 2003, out of about 7000 songs from almost 155 countries,
"Vande Mataram" was ranked second in the selected top ten songs. It is a
part of a novel and not a religious song at all. The reference to Goddesses
Durga and Lakshmi are a way of expression of the deep respect the poet has
for his Motherland, and should not be a contentious matter for the Muslims
because Muslims consider God as one and Hindus also, as I understand
believe that all the different deities are the various forms of One Supreme
Creator. Hence the difference is not in principle, but in practice.

Also I do not agree with the argument that since Vande Mataram is a part of
a somewhat anti-Muslim novel, the song is Un-Islamic. This is perhaps the
most ridiculous reason ever to be given. A couple of years back, as we all
know this matter had come up and at that time I had asked Dr.Asghar Ali
Engineer, the well-known Islamic scholar from Mumbai about it. He had said:
"It all depends on how we look at it. It is more a political than a
religious issue. For Wahabis even reciting Fatiha at someone's grave is
un-Islamic. But for Barailvi Muslims it is quite in keeping with Islam.
'Vande' has two meanings: one is showing respect and other is worship. In
the later sense Muslims will never agree to sing it but in former sense no
one would refuse to show respect for one's Motherland. However, the whole
issue has become political and BJP is using it for minority-bashing as
usual. Some Muslim leaders also take confrontationist attitutde benefitting
the BJP and its likes. Let us not forget that the best tune for Vande Matram
has been composed by Rahman, the music director."

Hence I think it is very clear that this issue is actually a non-issue. It
has been discussed earlier also and if one may care to remember the then
H.R.D. Minister Mr. Arjun Singh had declared that, to mark the 125th year of
its creation, celebrations would include singing "Vande Mataram" in all
institutions. Muslim reaction was much as expected, like it is this time
round, giving an opportunity to anti-national forces to enliven their
communal agenda once again.

One must not forget that at that time Arjun Singh had withdrawn his
circular, and emerged as a secular figure in the eyes of the Muslims. This
time round it is being said that the "Fatwa" has been issued in the presence
of the Home Minister, Mr.P.Chidambaram, who has of course, denied it on
record.

I agree that there should be no forcing anyone to sing it. Love cannot be
forced. It has to happen naturally and out of one's reverence for a
particular object or being. Same is true for God and one's Motherland.
During our Freedom struggle Vande Mataram was a form of greeting used by the
freedom fighters and it used to boost their spirits and morale. Hence I do
not want the religious leaders and political parties directing me on how I
follow my Constitutional freedom as a citizen of this wonderful country that
has been so beautifully described in words by the poet in Vande Mataram.

Zohra Javed

My Memories Of 31st October 1984

(I am not a political person. Hence these following lines are an expression of my anguish and my observation of the situation, at present and what it was 25 years ago, as a human being. I am not making any scholarly statements. Also I strongly condemn the anti-Sikh violence that followed Mrs.Indira Gandhi's assassination.)

As 31st October draws near the treasure chest of my memories opens its heavy-hinged cover to bring out a recollection of the fateful 31st October 1984. A day that numbed India. A day that apparently changed India's destiny. A day, the memory of which will never cease to create tremors in the Indian political and social circles.

31st October 1984, was a usual morning, pleasant as the winter was slowly setting in. My husband Javed, had left very early that morning on a business trip to Lucknow and would return late in the evening. Mother-in-law had gone for a month visiting
her younger son then posted in Nagpur.

I had been married for almost ten months. Was taking my time adjusting to the new environment of the East Uttar Pradesh town of Allahabad. I was born in a small West Uttar Pradesh town, and lived most of my life before marriage in the Western Ghats
of Maharashtra. So it is not difficult for one to imagine the toning and adjustment my body and brain had to undergo to settle down in Allahabad. The Indian diversity is really beautiful but at times can be taxing too!

That morning I had my day's schedule chalked out. As the sun rose to fill the backyard with warmth and brightness I took out my woolens kept in huge wooden boxes hardly opened and largely untouched through the year. They had to be spread in the open as the first step to getting them ready for wearing. I was going to be tied up with this work in the day.

While the cook got busy in the kitchen, my father-in-law went to the garden after breakfast. He would read the newspaper or just relax in his easy chair near the flower beds close to the lawn. He loved the chrysanthemum blossoms and would invariably have some tips for the Mali in planning the layout of the garden for the winter. He was joined there by his younger brother, who lived next-door.

The morning went by smoothly. The cook had finished her work and wanted to go home. Fine.
My father-in-law had come in, it was lunch time already. We ate quietly, which was also usual. He retired to his room for the afternoon. I had just about cleared the lunch table and was putting the leftovers in the fridge, when the telephone rang.

The caller spoke in a shaky voice, that kind when one is not sure of what he is saying. I took some time to recognize the speaker. He was Javed's uncle. His words hit me like a bolt from the blue as he said:
"I just heard Mrs.Gandhi has been shot dead!"
He was giving some other details, but I was not listening.
My mind went blank with shock.

It took some time for us to come to terms with reality.
BY late evening the aftermath had started unfolding and the backlash against Sikhs had begun. Frightened and insecure masses, and here I mean the common man irrespective of his religion and
region, discussed the situation, very apprehensive of the future, which suddenly seemed extremely unpredictable.

Indira Gandhi: the woman with a charming smile, a serene exterior, an apparent feminine vulnerability, yet an interior made of solid iron that had endured personal and professional downturns with amazing fortitude.
None of those deep painful scars could make a dent on the contented and dignified face that she presented to the world. Whatever her political philosophy and ambition be, she was a comforting sight.
In a way the slogan "India is Indira,and Indira is India" was symbolic of her importance, and dominance which can hardly be denied.
Such a powerful and intelligent woman had fallen to the bullets of her own bodyguards. Could there be a bigger paradox?

What would India be after her?
More so after her dreadfully sudden assassination for which none except the perpetrators were prepared.

That debate continued. The fears of well-wishers of the Indian democracy twenty five years back were not unfounded. Today whatever be one's political leanings, we all know that the untimely loss of Mrs.Indira Gandhi has been devastating for the masses who form the bulk of the Indian nation.

As I join the Nation in paying my respects to the Woman who stood tall in her service and loyalty to our Motherland, I am awed by her sense of responsibility and dedication. She had no parallel. Even after twenty five years of her death, India awaits a leader as dynamic, as sophisticated and as charismatic as Indira Gandhi.

Ajit: The Human Being

Ajit, the man who redefined the Bollywood villain with his series of impeccable performances in films like "Zanjeer" and "Yaadon Ki Baraat", was as suave and refined as most of the characters he portrayed

His performances had the ease and conviction of a true veteran, which made those on-screen characters immortal and unique 

Born Hamid Ali Khan in 1922 in Golconda, he belonged to a traditional Pathan family, where acting in films was a taboo. 

Hence he had to run away from home to pursue his dream of acting in films.  

It is said that one of his directors adviced him to change his name from Hamid Ali Khan to something shorter , and after some thinking zeroed on Ajit 

Ajit , who was not comfortable dancing and romancing women on screen , would soon realise that he was actually destined to meet success and glory as a villain 

He decided to listen to good friend Rajendra Kumar who suggested his name for the villain's role in "Sooraj" ... and the rest ,as they say , is history ... 

One Sunday afternoon I was returning from a friend's place and saw a big fancy car parked under the huge Banyan tree in front of our bungalow in the residential colony of the company that my father used to work for. 

Wondering who the visitor could be , I entered the drawing room to see a blurred face behind cigarette smoke , sitting comfortably on the diwan . 

Dressed in an off white pant and shirt and a maroon sleeveless jacket was the man who I had seen smuggling , planning murders and raping women on the silver screen ... !!!

Unbelievable as it was , honestly I don't remember how I had reacted to his presence that afternoon 

I have some very distinct images of his personality etched in my mind ...

His firozi silk kurta and lungi , his presence at the dining table , his smile , his voice ...  

He used to speak so charmingly with a delicate sense of humour that's so alive in my memory even now 

He used to like the serenity and the green open spaces in our colony , so sometimes he would also join his family spending the day with us 

That would be so much fun 

Mummy's friends used to come over to meet him and get bowled over by his grace !!!

His apartments in Bandra and homes in Hyderabad would always be full of guests , family and friends as he used to welcome everyone with affection and specially look after the needy among his family and friends with respect and benevolence 

Discovering actor Ajit Khan has been an interesting journey for me 

In a rare interview with Ameen Sayani Ajit said that Salim-Javed whose story "Zanjeer" had been rejected by the top heroes of that time were looking for an actor to play the role of Vijay , and Salim Khan told Ajit Khan over a cup of tea that he wanted to narrate the story to Amitabh Bachchan 

Ajit was working with Amitabh Bachchan at that time ... They got together ... "Zanjeer" happened ... and that opened the gate of super success for the super hit trio Salim-Javed-Amitabh Bachchan  

A couple of days after his eldest son got married , Ajit Saheb was giving an interview , and was asked about his favourite onscreen mistress "Mona Darling!", to which he smilingly replied:

" I ve let her go now ... "

Our Bandra visits lost all charm and we missed him terribly when he shifted to Hyderabad with his family 

The initial fright which we as children had , had given way to a respectful awe for him that has remained even after he is no more. 

I wish I could have visited his Hyderabad home when he was alive 

It would have been an enriching experience to watch an erstwhile busy Bollywood actor relaxing in his farm house telling stories and playing with his grand children ...

Photo Courtesy : Anil Verma 

Photo Courtesy : Anil Verma 

Photo Courtesy : Ajit Saheb's family 

Pic Courtesy : Ajit Saheb's family 

Pic Courtesy : Salim Khan on Facebook 

Pic Courtesy : Facebook Groups Ajit ( The Lion ) and Film Actor Ajit 

Pic Courtesy : Salim Khan on Facebook 

When Ismat Aapa came knocking .............

The vastly spread out residential colony nestled among Nature's bounties with huge, well-ventilated stone bungalows that had lawns, out-houses, and backyard kitchen gardens, and the old Bombay-Poona Road winding its way up the western ghats running right in the middle, was never really asleep. Deep into the night also one could hear the laboured dragging of loaded trucks climbing up or down the road. But the residents had got used to all of it. And loved every bit of that beautiful place.

For my family this place was and still is very special in more than one ways.
It was my father's first posting after he joined Tata Electric Company that produced hydro electric power. It was here that my mother came after her marriage. It was here that I came to have my first experiences in school and social life.
It was here that the legendary Ismat Apaa kissed me!

I was a few months old at that time, so this one is from the wealth of my mother's memories rather than my own.
My father was a shift engineer in those days and on that particular day he was doing morning shift. It was still early in the day, the morning breeze giving a welcome kiss to the warmth of the sun as it spread its glory. The traffic on the road was gradually picking up. The sleepy colony would soon be buzzing with activity too.

My mother decided to give the kitchen a thorough cleaning. So she had all the utensils and containers out in the backyard washing space, and herself dressed in the traditional western Uttar Pradesh Muslim attire of a gracefully flowing gharara, topped with a short kurta and complete with a long wide lacy dupatta took to dusting and cleaning before the maid arrived.
It seems I could not have asked for a better toy-land as I started checking out all those boxes and containers making strange sounds playing like the most melodious music in my ears.

Mummy and I were so engrossed in our respective activities that Mummy was taken aback with the presence of the visitors who were by now almost upon us 😊!

Four very sophisticated and meticulously dressed people. Among them, the woman a celebrity Urdu writer who my mother could have recognised even in her sleep.
And yet the great Ismat Apa had the courtesy to introduce herself in the most humble manner , and said she knew my father through some common friends when he was staying at Churchgate.

Ismat Apa was accompanied by her film maker husband Janab Shahid Latif and a couple of others.
The contrast was striking. My mother and I in our soiled clothes, our hands and faces testimony to the vigorous cleaning that was going on 🤗,  while Ismat Apaa and company so immaculate and refined, the fragrance of their expensive perfumes filling the already pleasingly refreshing air.

My young and inexperienced mother was baffled having to handle a situation like this all by herself 🙂. Suddenly she had a "brilliant" idea 😄 , she told the visitors:
"Saheb and Memsaab have gone out, leaving the baby with me. I'm her  governess!"
Ismat Apa  looked closely, her sharp eyes taking in all, but giving away nothing.
Was there in her eyes perhaps  a mischievous smile so fleeting that Mummy hardly noticed 🤔😊💖?

Then she picked me up affectionately, planted a sweet kiss on my cheek and said to Mummy:
"Tell your Mem saab when she comes back that we are going to Khandala and will return in the evening. We'll meet her on our way back!"

The visitors started walking towards the gate, to Mummy's great relief, when Ismat Apa turned back, looked at my Mom in the eyes and said rather authoritatively,
"And you! Take care of the baby ... the air is still pretty cold for such a small child. She should be wearing some warm clothes."

In the evening as Ismat Apaa, Latif Saheb and friends sat dining with my parents, sharing among other things the morning incident amidst laughter and fun, Ismat Apaa looked at Mummy with motherly fondness and said:
"Do you really think I would not know the difference between a "bibi" and a "baandi 😊🥰😄 ???"

Zohra Javed

Too Much Too Soon?

For most of the world the announcement that President Obama is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize 2009 has come as a surprise. A big surprise indeed! A debate has sprung up whether Obama has done enough to deserve the honour. I really don't think the Nobel Peace Committee takes an opinion poll before deciding on the awardees. They are free to honour a person or an organisation of their choice perhaps. But logically of course there must be a reason good enough to justify their choice.

Hence the numerous debates all over the print and electronic media and also on the popular networking sites are not out of place. The opinions are as varied as the people themselves. Some feel it is only due his colour that President Obama has got the coveted prize, while others feel his peace initiatives deserve such motivation so that he is encouraged to speed up the peace process and also look into other issues that need to be addressed.

while Some around the world have raised objection to the choice of President Obama as an epitome of Peace as he still oversees wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the Nobel Prize committee has a differing view. It appreciated the apparent change in the global atmosphere that President Obama's calls for peace and cooperation have brought about, as also his pledge to reduce the stock of nuclear arms, his efforts to bring about better understanding with the Muslim world, and his work towards combating climate change. However even if one grants the President credit for all of these praiseworthy initiatives, is it not a bit too soon that he has got this award ?

People around the world seem to have pinned their every little hope for peace and a world free of war on Obama. Just the other day someone remarked that with the coming of Obama the Clash of Civilizations seems to have come to an end and that the US will now have a more humane face. Are we expecting from President Obama more than he can possibly deliver?
I think we are.

After all why are we forgetting that Barack Obama is a politician and he must have the very essential qualities that make one worthy of being the President of the most powerful nation in the world. He cannot overnight bring about changes in policies that have come down from the past. He cannot shun war. This is a bitter fact and cannot be overlooked, whatever the good intentions of President Obama be to save humanity and bring about peace and harmony.

So I thinks its bit too much too soon for Obama. It is as if we have taken for sure that President Obama has already delivered on all his promises, whereas the fact is that he is still talking. Any concrete action in an effort to fulfill people's expectations from him have to still see the light of the day.


Zohra Javed

"Love Aaj Kal" Or "Kal Aaj Aur Kal"...Oh! Whatever...

The fruit of technology and science was never so much within common man's reach as it is now. But with reports of not just possible, but proved misuse of technology, fears of parents over the marathon conversations on mobile phones and long hours spent on the net by the youth these days cannot be completely misplaced. In fact families today, although supposedly living under one roof, have apparently drifted apart, although quite unknowingly, but so much so that to get all the three or four members in a family to at least one meal together in a day is a herculean, if not an entirely impossible task. In such a scenario Mother Teresa's Saying that a family that eats together stays together can as well be laid to rest alongside that noble soul who said so.

Its not only the youth who spend time away from the family, even the smaller children are so much into watching cartoon films and so called entertainment channels for children (which is many times as good as any adult stuff) that afternoon stories of the granny or the family prayer before going to bed has become a fable of sorts. So how does the concerned modern mother inculcate "good habits" in her children? How does she even communicate with her off-spings, who had not so long ago taken their first hesitant step with her help and mumbled their first syllable after her much painstaking effort, and not to mention the patience and tact that went into teaching them to button their shirts, tie their shoe laces or hold their tooth brushes and spoons right.

While it is the most cherished pleasure of a mother to be a part the growing up of her children, these days women professionals with their dual responsibilities have to sacrifice a good deal of this immensely gratifying experience; the children usually being looked after by a maid or a grand-parent. In such cases it becomes extremely difficult to keep a check on what goes on behind the back. Although there is much love among the family members and they care for one another, there are pressures in a life that has of late become excessively demanding. However there is a small minority of females who have chosen the luxury of being the seemingly insignificant home-makers. They certainly have better options of knowing the path their children are treading. Or so they like to think, a la Bollywood moms who know everything that crosses their children's minds!

My friends and I often discuss the changes that time brings with it as one phase of life transcends giving way to another making one apprehensive and anxious of what the unknown future holds. Most of my friends are career-women and already have a good understanding of the latest technology. Often they made up for their physical absence from their children's lives by gifting their children expensive electronic games and gadgets.

For me however it was a little different. I could sense the growing distance and silence between my children and me as the children became more independent and I had chosen to be the "insignificant home-maker"!
Was this the generation gap I had heard my elders speak about when I was young?
History was surely repeating itself. This was comforting thought because I suddenly realised that my mother must have felt the same. I remembered how she would take interest in the little things that mattered to us.

That is when I thought of hitting the net and finding out for myself what the world had been upto while I was busy raising kids and looking after the house. And what a magical experience it was: the world at my finger tips literally! It instantly brought me close to my children as they worked hard to instill in me a sense of confidence to help me make the best of my new-found abilities. Although my children and I are strong individuals with our independent thought processes, we now have a lot of things in common and I am no more fearful of Orkut and Facebook being the devils out to devour our culture and ethics like the devastating locust.

My generation is diligently building bridges between an older generation that is uneasy at the youth saying "hi" and "bye" insted of a respectful bow of the head before their elders, and a youth filled with ideas of equality that translate into them calling their mother's friend by her first name instead of "masi" or "aunty". It is an effort worth every minute spent on it because if there is an understanding and possible amalgamation of the better traits from both these diverse groups of the old and the young, that is to say between science/technology on the one hand and material traits of a racial, religious, or social group on the other, one can have the world one has forever dreamed.


Zohra Javed

Dear God! The Poor Are Missing You...

When everyone had given up any hope for rain, it sure has played havoc in Andhra Pradesh and Karnataka. And also in some parts of Goa and Maharashtra.
There is an irony in this whole situation:
The areas that have been hit by devastating flood were declared drought-hit some time back.
And in this situation there is a cruel tragedy also:
Whatever was left of the crops (under a drought) has now been washed away by the fury of the rains.

Just wondering as to how this apparent act of injustice by Nature that has had the most damaging effect on the poor, fit into the Divine impartial justice of a God, who is Almighty, All-Powerful, Just and the only Saviour of the poor.
How could God allow the poor to suffer more and more while the rich get all the privileges.

Whatever one might say in support of Divine Justice, a situation like this compels one to feel that this cannot be the justice of The God who I believe in.
Then what could it possibly be?

Do we realize that there is a man-made crisis already staring us in the eyes, and as film maker Shekhar Kapur said in a message from the Rohtang Pass in the Himalayas, we are not talking of a possible calamity in the distant future.
It is right here before us:
Global warming is menacing.
Deforestation is threatening.
We are dangerously playing with Nature.
We are thoughtlessly meddling with God's work.

Where are all the open spaces, green patches, public parks and such other common sights that I took for granted in my younger days?
In these days of health consciousness most of us talk of the importance of fresh air, exercise, healthy diet, saving plants and trees and so much else.
But what do we really do ?
("talking" and "doing" denote different actions...as in "preaching" and "practice", right?!)

We hardly resent the coming up of a shopping mall, an industrial complex, a multi-crore private educational institute or hospital and such other symbols of our progress. The space that could have been used for a public utility service like educational institutes for the underprivileged, hospitals for the poor, or for the promotion of our indigenous art and culture actually becomes a source of pollution and increased emission of anthropogenic greenhouse gases and also an addition to the fast increasing list of the places out of the common man's reach.

However the tragedy is we remain oblivious and stone-deaf to Nature's cries.

Hence I conclude convincingly that it is not God Almighty we should be blaming for natural disasters.
It is us
And it is time we must own up our wrongs

Okay
So one looks around for solutions

And then comes to fore the truth :
Playing havoc with Nature are the people who have the means to do it :
The Super Rich !!!
Their filthy power has blinded them. 
They are snatching away the resources and the very means of existence from the poor.

Yet they are not the ones to be affected by Nature's fury.
A flood does not make them homeless and sick.
A drought does not effect their supply of food and water.

So I am back to square one:
My mind still searching for a rational explanation for this seemingly unjust distribution of money and wealth among God Ji's own Creations and the extreme suffering of the poor.

I don't want to loose my God to the Propertied Pirates of this Planet.

Zohra Javed.

Ulhas Gaikwad comments:

This again substatiates the basic tenets of Darwinian theory: Survival of the fittest and species mutate or perish on the principal of natural selection.

There are many spiritual explanations for the suffering of the poor/ humble; but the fact remains that NATURE is blind. It is ruthlessly impartial. It does not differentiate between rich, poor, pious and sinners. Let us face the TRUTH. Faith in God may give you solace, may muffle your yeaning to seek explanations to many disturbing questions, but you can not be faithful and logical at the same time.

Nature has gifted us a superb brain, which can observe and analyse such issues. It wants us to use it rationally and live life founded on WISDOM. I think thats the most we can ever do; because never does nature say one thing and wisdom another. I hope you understand...

Ulhas Gaikwad

---

My Kitchen Helper

She is short, small eyes, nose pecked proudly in the most appropriate place on her fair face. Her rather stout figure is always neatly draped in a sari, its pallu, covering her head. Her walk I think makes her look like a football rolling on at a contented pace, except that footballs don't have to carry big heavy bagfuls.

And just one close look at her is what it takes for the myth of contentment conveyed by that leisurely pace, to go flying off high in the air, for on her face every little crease and wrinkle almost screams tellingly and yet with amazing silence, that only extreme patience can bring, of the struggles of her existence.

Circumstances that one goes through and the genes that one carries determine the kind of person one eventually becomes. And she comes across as fiercely independent, repulsively haughty and capriciously fastidious. I have no inclination to research her genes, but do have some knowledge of the hardships she has gone through. And the kind of difficulties she is facing.

She is my maid. And I have to put up with her finickiness every morning!

My mother and sister on their visits to my place put to test all their tact, intelligence and admonition to bring about some pleasantness in her ways, but surrender in disgust, and advice me to go in for a change while giving her up as a hopeless and incorrigible case. Indeed I have been offered seemingly better alternatives by neighbours and friends. Maids who make softer chappatis, who have a time-table and work according to it...and above all they are thoroughly professional.

My children also tell me that if I am continuing with this woman so as to help a poor woman who has enough self respect to earn a living rather than beg for it, there could definitely be other ways of compensating her.

So why have I chosen to put up with someone so absurdly irksome? Do I like to hear her continuous and invariably unpleasant chatter or do I prefer to have a maid who skips some or the other chore every second day?
No. Not at all.
And yet I can't bring myself to agree to turning her away...and so not without reason.

She may have her flaws. Don't we all have?
She may not be as good as the younger maids, not as agile and quick in her reflexes. Yet I am comfortable with her. I find that bunch of more adorned and apparently more disciplined "bais" hurrying from one job to another with complete ease and also finding time to gossip and have fun, a little repulsive and irritating.

Some time back my cervical spondylosis aggravated without any warning and I was in extreme pain. My sister stays in another city and my mother at her age is not expected to be going about washing utensils and cleaning the house. The children have their work and studies.
So what were my options while I suffered?

It was my maid who brought me hot breakfast without any of her annoying mannerism and tried to put me to as much ease as her abilities allowed. She does not follow a work time-table and she is not a robotic professional. Therefore, perhaps she was there for me when I needed help.

Is she my maid?
Or a little more than that?
I don't know.
But one thing is for sure...I would never ever want to have anyone else in her place.
With all her finickiness, she still is a pleasant sight every morning...!!!

Marriage:A Beautiful Word With An Ugly Meaning?

One takes certain things for granted. One's family for instance. While assuming it to be an integral part of life we often neglect the importance of having a family that helps us take on life's challenges relatively easily. Because the family is made up of our own people whose concern for our pain is genuine and therefore can soothe an anguished soul as nothing else can. A supportive family is that cushion which helps us absorb the shocks and overcome fears, providing fortitude and confidence in the most trying times.

And if the family can be taken for granted, is it any wonder that marriage, which sustains the family is under tremendous pressure. In addition we hear of same sex marriages and live-in relationships as an acceptable alternative to the hitherto satisfactory traditions of social behaviour. An ever-increasing number of the educated youth have started questioning marriage and are contemplating if marriage has outlived its usefulness.That the youth should think so, and become cynical to this extent in their personal lives is indeed indicative of how much the tolerance levels have drooped these days.

The unwritten law in a normal Indian marriage is that the woman must follow the customs of her husband's family. She is supposed to take his name and in some places even her first name is changed as part of the marriage rituals. Thus every trace of her maiden identity is lost forever. Is it correct for a marriage to be so extremely one-sided where it becomes the holy duty of the woman to make all adjustments?

The late Begum Tara Shervani, who shared excellent relations with her daughters-in-law, once said to me that the tussle in a marriage is no less a fight for power than in high political circles with the two most polarised positions being taken by the mother and the wife of the man. Each one feels insecure of the other! The fact however is that both the wife and the mother have their unique places and thus both are important in their own way. She could not have been more judicious.

The present day increase in divorce rates indicates how fragile marriages (where the partners are called jeevan-saathi!) have become. Any relationship needs time and space to mature. The same is true about a marriage. So much depends on it. And yet since life is not an experiment carried out in a science lab or a theorem proved after research in mathematics, there is no one formula to ensure success in a marriage. Life is beautiful because it is forever changing, and hence individual situations demand individual solutions, which in turn demand a level-headed approach, which in turn demands maturity. The success of a marriage may thus be assumed to lie in patience.

Let us realise that there are no perfect situations in life. After all perfection is one of the virtues of God Almighty, while we mortals have been granted the luxury of being always imperfect. So it is perfectly in accordance with Nature that marriages are imperfect. And it helps to remember that marriage is neither an unending tug-of-war where the parties are constantly pulling on the rope to outdo each other, nor is it an auction where the highest bidder vrooms with the groom.

Certainly there are no such situations in real life where one can end with "...and they lived happily ever after." In the continuity called life you just go on from one situation to another, learning and sometimes unlearning things. And although in a society, there is a proper time and place for things to happen, one should have the liberty to decide upon this most important aspect in one's life, where ideally the decision-making should rest on considerations such as love, compatibility and understanding.

But until this can be achieved, families will continue to crumble as they strive for existence.
And marriage will continue to be a beautiful word with an ugly meaning...

Zohra Javed.

My Shoes Fit Me Best

Going through the daily grind of life, one often feels that others are much better off. The common man usually lives on the hope of surpassing the bounds of his lovliest dreams and reaching the heights of success and glory that no one has ever achieved. Own a house on the moon, bring down the stars to adorn one's beloved...
No limits to the flight of one's fantasies.

The other day a woman running a beauty parlour remarked with some amused irritation that all her clients want their hair styled like Jiah Khan or Aishwarya Rai...they don't look at themselves before making their demands, she said. Very right! On another occassion a woman working as an assitant to a doctor, was watching a daily soap on television as she said longingly, "these women and girls have it so easy...get all decked up with nice clothes and jewellery, mouth the same dialogue over and over in every serial, earn good money...they don't have to wait for the bus or train...they have everything...fame, name...what more could they ask for?" Very right again...or is it really so?
Ask the actors too for their opinion one of these days.

A friend called up to say that she will be coming to Mumbai for the vintage car rally scheduled for the weekend, will be staying at the Taj...and my younger sister said, "How lovely! She'll enjoy so much, meet so many celebrities...the event itself being impregnable by the common man is so prestigious and being invited to it...Oh! How wonderful!!"
(Of course this friend by no means belongs to the "masses" category.)

This got me thinking and I've been wondering if that is all one wants in life. And what could possibly be lacking in the lives of those who have wealth, health, fame and the world at their feet? It is said that only the wearer knows where the shoe bites. So are the Ambanis, the Tatas, the Birlas satisfactorily happy with all their money and immense power? What on earth could be lacking in the lives of the likes of Maharani Gayatri Devi...the likes me would think.

It is quite logical to assume that beauty brings the best of blessings automatically. It may not be an entirely wrong assumption. But at my age and with my experience and observation of people around me I think this is just as big a farce as a mirage on a scorching summer afternoon because this was true all good-looking people would be happily contented in life.
It is also the general belief that one can buy everything with money. Hence money is the most important thing in the world. If this be so, then all the rich should be happy people. But is it really so?

What is then the mantra to be happy? Happiness is essentially a state of one's mind. Also it would be wise to remember that there is nothing absolute out here. Everything is reletive and subject to one's perspective, and a rather interesting irony is that the forbidden friut is supposed to be the sweetest. It is only human to feel that the queue in which I stand for tickets on a railway platform moves the slowest. But we all know that its not really true.

The trick is to not expect favours from others. But try to grab every opportunity that comes our way to make someone happy. One may not always be lauded for such gestures, but the inner satisfaction and happiness it brings makes giving it a try worthwhile. The fact is people often do not choose to be happy. Stop admiring other's shoes and trying fruitlessly getting into them.

I would never like to live anyone else's life. You never know what the other is going through!!!

Zohra Javed.

Hamare Buzurg

I have written on this before, but the fact that senior citizens are our most precious assets seems still a much ignored subject of debate although there are a couple of good messages circulating on the internet in this connection, yet there are issues concerning the aged which need remedial measures specially in the context of the present fast-paced lifestyle where there is hardly any time left to devote to any "non-productive" activity. Every small second is valued in terms of the rupees (often calculated in dollars) earned during that time!

It is quite an irony that in a country like India the young have to be reminded through messages on the net to value their elders before it is too late. In our country where even animals have a place of respect it is a pity that elders should become something of a liability.

This afternoon two volunteers from a reputed NGO visited my place and gave some glaring statistics on the unsympathetic way families treat their elders and among those elderly destitutes the fortunate ones are those who find an obliging Home for the aged to look after them after their families have disowned them in their twilight years.

Do we take our elders for granted ? Have their needs ceased to be a matter of priority for us ? Why cannot we accomodate them in our busy schedules ? It is not always easy to find answers and it also is not always possible to do as much as one would like to do for one's elders, specially one's parents. Another important point is that often individuals like to be in the company of people who share common interests with them and are in a similar age group. I realise this as I see my elders interacting with friends and relatives of their age where they have so much to talk and exchange notes.

But having said this, it is of paramount importance too that our elders don't feel neglected by the younger members in the family. As I also keep repeating very often that in this imperfect world there are no ideal situations, I must admit that one has to work hard to strike a balance in life and list one's priorities with a rather-difficult-to-achieve mix of intelligence and emotion. Let us realise this : one of the biggest luxuries that one can have in life is one's elders...their prayers for our well-being comes for free and from their heart. There is one more luxury that most people don't bother to check on : to have the time to spend with the family (including elders...just include them in your discussions on a holiday and see the contentment on their beautifully wrinkled faces! And its not thereaupetic only for them, often such leisurely exchange of thoughts brings about most unexpected solutions to problems also.)

It is not a bad idea I think to have "clubs for the aged" instead of "homes for the aged". Senior Citizens, like the rest of us, need a family. It is not by their own choice that the aged opt for living in the so called homes for the elderly. They have been part of the progess in the past and cannot be shunned or discarded as "unwanted nobodys" simply because they have retired or become frail. Lets not forget that time and tide wait for no one and time passes very soon when one is young and busy. One often realises with a startle as the time to see the fulfillment of responsibilities dawns and when apparently all duties seem to have been done. Before long then it will be our turn to don the "senior citizens" cap and hence it will be to our advantage if we set the right examples before it is too late for our gen-next to emulate...


Zohra Javed.

Our Priorities

Where are all the open spaces, green patches, public parks and such other common sights that I took for granted in my younger days vanishing? Those that exist are fast turning into garbage-dumping grounds or lie neglected...or still worse are being frequented by stray dogs and secret lovers...at times even people seeking to answer an urgent nature's call!
In these days of health consciousness most of us talk of the importance of fresh air, exercise, healthy diet, saving plants and trees...
But what do we do...
("talking" and "doing" denote different actions...as in preaching and practice, right?!)

Our most preferred health activity is working out in a gym on the latest gadgets and our ideal family outing that can be effeciently and often hurriedly squeezed into an activity-filled weekend is the family going to one of the favourite (or for a change to a newly opened) restaurant or if the children insist, then to a water park...or is shopping at one of the numerous malls the preferred family activity...?

Also if the children can be packed off to "affectionately obliging" grandparents then a couple can even think of going to a movie or a play, followed by a "romantic candle light" dinner where the mind perhaps is busy working out office schedule for the next day.

This sounds really fabulous and looking at the above multiple entertainment options that we seem to have, should our predecessors not envy us?
We have huge malls opening their arms to us:the common people, auto-industry giants manufaturing affordable cars just for us:the common people, international brands in food, clothing and accessories clamouring for our (the common people's) attention...

So on our ideal outing we drive in our branded car, wearing our branded clothes and eat internationally-patronised Chinese, Japnese or Thai food or watch one of the "well-made, technically sound, flawless Hollywood blockbusters".
And do we realise how much we contribute to the increase in pollution and the killing of our own indigenous crafts and cuisine?
Why then do we worry about the vanishing open spaces and modern-day health problems. Aren't we responsible for creating them?!

We are delighted to see a mall come up in our locality as perhaps it automatically announces the development and progress made. We hardly resent the coming up of such symbols of our march towards becoming a global super power. The space that could have been used for a public utility service or for the promotion of our art and culture actually becomes a source of pollution and increased emission of anthropogenic greenhouse gases. But we are oblivious.

The difference between cities and countryside does not exist now in most place. The late Mr.Sunil Dutt had once said that Mumbai to Pune would soon become one vast stretch of human inhabitation and the difference between the two would cease to exist. Even if it was a supposed exaggeration then, there are signs of this prophecy coming true!!

There is no scope for a non-productive activity anywhere on this planet now. Hence leaving open land patches for loose cattle to graze on, or for public parks is such a huge loss to national wealth when all this land as well as the land reclaimed from the sea could be utilised for profit-making activities like building business districts, shopping and residential complexes, expensive international schools and hospitals, state-of-the-art airports, industrial units and such others.

I completely agree that all the aforesaid activities are important to the progress of the people, and there is no denying that we need to develop and look forward. But is it necessary to allot agricultural land also to so called more profit-making activities? There has to be a balance in our activities only then can they result in sustainable and humane progress that would bring about better living conditions in the true sense.

So before we loose every little open space to an ever-hogging concrete jungle and profit-thirsty business tycoons, lets wake up and do the needful.


Zohra Javed.

Government of the people, By the people, For the people

Sounds familiar. Government of the people, by the people, for the people...Heard it before?
Yes many times.
In the school it seemed easy to learn. Had never heard such intelligent play of words. It was literally poetic! But it was not poetry.
It was the most popular definition of democracy.

Then slowly the meaning dawned and made me ever so proud to be an Indian. I awaited my eighteenth birthday with eagerness much similar to that of a child who feels that the moon is within his reach...Oh! how powerful I would then become. I'll be able to vote and choose my representative in the government. The feeling was supremely intoxicating.

And I think a majority of my country-men think the way I thought then. Therefore we are more than happy making the most of the holiday that we get to cast our vote. The trip to the polling booth is quite similar to one of the family joy rides and the whole process, at least as I have witnessed it, is like a school fun-fare...people dressed in better if not their best clothes, pressing a button on the EVMs in privacy and then coming out to mingle with the crowd. After all its a great opportunity to find most of one's neighbours!

And days later watching the results on television channels, which again is no less than a hugely popular entertainment show!

So when I read about Salwa Judum, Naxals, Maoists, farmer suicides, Islamic and Hindu terrorism and much more I am not able to see any connection between my sweet dreams and the bitter reality.

A government that I choose cannot be abusive to me, how can the State and its administrative agencies be unjust, how can the Police kill innocent people, how can the Judiciary be indifferent to the plight of the common man...?
How can I go on being mechanically normal when so much suffering, injustice and inequality surround me...?
I think I am truly intoxicated by the Power of my Vote and so I don't even feel the pinch when I am cheated with so much blatant violation of human rights and abuse of power by those whom we the voters have empowered.


Zohra Javed.

Burqa: Prison Or Protection

My earliest memories of the burqua are indeed as ancient as me myself! In my native place all the women in the family wore burqua...the black all-covering garment under which if they wore nothing else no one would ever know!
My late father had left his home town in search of a better future and landed in the then Bombay almost immediately after his engineering. His postings took him to some of the most beautiful hill spots in Maharashtra and all the employees of the company posted at one particular place lived with their families at the company's residential colonies built near the work sites.
That was an out of the blue experience for my mother who does have an interestingly vivid memory of how difficult it was for her in the beginning to do away with the burqa.

The reason I have recounted this is to emphasise one greatly overlooked reality in the debate over the burqa / hijab issue, and that is this: burqa in most cases is a "family tradition" that inadvertently became a habit obviously as it got passed down the generations.
Hence it must be noted with clarity that there is no love of God or making a choice involved here.

I have been hearing this since childhood that Islam is more about intent: to become a good , God-fearing human being rather than peripheral rituals that change from place to place and culture to culture.
When for instance one is praying to God Almighty , its actually the connection with the Supreme Creator that is at the center of it all.
The way one prays could be of lesser consequence , but a certain manner has evolved logically for the sake of uniformity ... and perhaps even the health benefits one can reap from the exercise.

After the French and the US presidents giving their verdict on the burqa, and even before that , various interpretations of the Qur'an have been doing rounds, each one claiming to being authentic and well-researched. So we now hear that burqa was meant as a respectful covering for the prophet's (peace be upon him) women. The others were supposed to be modest (and decent) in the manner they dressed and carried themselves. But this divine message for modesty was applicable to both men and women.

To my great amusement I find men very vehement in their fight for the female "modesty and rights" in choosing to wear the burqa, but sadly their voices seem to choke when it comes to family planning, triple talaq, a widow's right to the guardianship of her minor children and such other matters.

Yes, indeed women must have the right to choose, as some benevolent men are suggesting in the context of hijab/burqa. President Sarkozy's diktat is being equated to Talibanisation of cultures that has taken place in some parts of Asia in the recent past.
President Obama has taken a middle ground on the whole issue, saying US does not dictate to people what they should wear.

The point is: these gentlemen, Sarkozy and Obama, and all those who comprise the Taliban, are they religious or even humane representatives of the oppressed people ... in this case the "religiously imprisoned women"?

I think it will be worthwhile to note that they are all politically motivated power-hungry people. Just like Taliban cannot be deemed to be friends of Islam for what they are doing, Sarkozy cannot be pronounced an enemy of Islam.
They know it, like we all can understand too, that it is essentially none of their business whether a woman wears or shuns a burqa.

Also like it or not, and forgive my bluntness here, the fact is that the burqa has of late become more of a fashion statement used by the dollar-and-dinar-rich kitty-party kinds who can spend fortunes on clothes and accessories (remember wasteful extravagant expenditure is prohibited in Islam), burqa being a recent addition as a "religious" adjunct.

At the heart of my debate is the basic right of a woman to choose ... to be able to use her intelligence ... like my mother: when she got a choice, she stopped wearing the burqa, and I think most of the truly liberated women would do the same if their minds are not filled with the fear of "Allah's wrath" falling upon them and the fire in hell burning the "exposed" portions of their bodies...
I wonder why we do not hear any such diktat in the context of men?


Zohra Javed

Archies and Barbies

Sometime back in a fashion show Bollywood star Katrina Kaif walked the ramp dressed up like Barbie.
Hitting headlines in major fashion circles, it achieved what was expected: Huge popularity.

But ridiculous as it may sound to some cynics, this was not enough.
It also started a series of comparison between Katrina and Aishwarya.
Magazine section of a major newspaper "informed" readers how the younger-looking Katrina was more Barbie-like.
Can't say how this affected the graph of Barbie sale figures in India.
Or for that matter Aishwarya's market as one of the top ranking Bollwood leading ladies.
But it actually is consolidating a trend that is stealthily in the process of grounding itself unnoticed but decisively firm as an acceptable way of life.

In this world of Barbies, could Archie be far behind?
Recently there was an article analyzing behavioural patterns among the youth on the basis of the "fact" that comic strip character Archie has (after sixty eight years of existence!) popped "the question" to Veronica instead of Betty.
The results of the research on human behaviour it seems points out that men (represented by Archie!) now like the so called bad girls (represented by Veronica ?!!! )

Honestly I would have laughed off this comical clumsy "analysis" had it not been put forward as something that is really happening.
Fictitious comic characters now becoming the established standards of judging behavioural attitudes among real human beings?
Yes! Preferences do count in a research.

Popularizing an Archie or a Barbie as a sales promotion strategy may be fine. But to take these characters so seriously indicates serious bankruptcy of thought.
The idea perhaps is to dull and numb the senses of the youth so that they don't ask questions.
In all probability they are being trained to become brutally selfish, blandly robotic and callously intoxicated by materialism.
Is it any wonder then that living such a superficial life, there is going to be a future generation who would become emotionally impaired and far too dependent on hollow materialism.

The Barbies and Archies of the world are essentially urban characters, who anyway do not constitute the majority. Has anyone given a thought to what life is like for the tribal youth living in forests ?
How many of us even have an idea about the difficult lives of that portion of the Indian population which lives in rural India and is deprived of even as basic a necessity as water?

How many of us have heard of  those who eat lot of chillies not to impress a girlfriend, but to cause a burning in the stomach so as to forget the pangs of hunger for some time??
And what about them who are caught between State and local terror outfits???
They are all real human beings, and they are also Indian citizens.
But they are not wrapped in glamour, hence not attractive to the common urban Indian.

One political party gave the slogan "India Shining" another declared that its "Haath" was "Aam aadmi ke saath"! But that's about it.
Our double standards have become increasingly stark and stridently visible. We shout on top of our voices how India is the next super power of the world (Karan Johar even has Preeti Zinta calling a white woman "Kameeni"in his film "Kal ho na ho"!) but in the same breath everything foreign is divine and Mr.Johar as also the Chopras shoot most of their film sequences in their adopted Motherlands.

Urban India now has a global culture where we eat, drink, sleep, socialise, shop, love, live, talk, laugh...in short do everything as per global attitudes dictated by the Barbies and Archies.
So where is the time to "think"?
Barbies and Archies don't "think". They just "have fun"
How fascinating this sounds to people whose faculties of understanding are glamourously moronic.

Should this intrusion in our private lives go on? Or should we pause and take stock before it is too late?
The question is what we want our children to become?
I think it is an important question...more important than which religion is perfect or whether sex education should be imparted in schools...so the sooner we debate it the better it will be in the interest of our children.

Jamila

May 5, 2003 was quite usual. I will not dramatise by saying I had a premonition earlier in the day. In fact it came as a shock to me when I heard of Jamila`s death.

Jamila is the girl whom I had known for the last twenty five years. The little girl went to school in the same bus as me and we often returned by the same bus too, although she went to an Urdu medium school while I went to an English medium one.

Jamila, the girl who came to my house very often with her mother and tried to hide her bulk behind her short and thin mother the moment she saw my father!
She was much younger to me and hence was not exactly a friend, but gradually became close to my heart as I saw her grow up from a little girl into a mature and thoughtful woman. I remember having once presented her a banarsi silk sari. As she touched the rich green fabric a twinkle in her big black eyes was far too prominent to be missed...the glow emitting from the fire of her dreams, may be, for she was a very sensitive girl. She was ever so calm with a serene smile on her lips. Her slightly darkish complexion was flawless and had an attractive shimmer about it while her eyes shone like two bright stars. She was always neatly dressed, her long thick black hair glistening and mostly plaited in two with a silk ribbon each at the end.

Like any other middle class Indian household where girls are taught to be good wives, mothers and daughters-in-law, Jamila was also trained to be a proficient homemaker. But her efficiency in every household chore could not hide the limp in her leg, which stood out as the most cruel hurdle between Jamila and her bright future...because future of an Indian girl is deemed to be bright only if she finds a husband before crossing her last teen year. That is supposed to be the right age for getting rid...sorry...marrying off daughters.

Jamila's parents went about patiently trying to find a man who would be an understanding life partner to their only daughter. But for the poor couple this search turned out to be dragging and frustrating. However, finally as Jamila`s father promised to gift the boy some expensive items, his sister`s son agreed to marry Jamila.

A marriage solemnised on the principles of greed can hardly be the sacred bond that marriage is supposed to be, and how long can the fantasy last? Jamila was a woman with tremendous self respect. She was humiliated every time she put her husband`s list of demands before her father, which accompanied her as a precondition to her visit to her parents` house. But she kept a brave face. Although her mother-in-law`s atrocities and her husband`s indifference were no more a secret Jamila had a smile albeit a sad one but perhaps the only way of reassuring her parents that she was happy.
With four children and a lot of extreme agony later Jamila was a defeated person as she did her best to cope up with an apathetic mother and son combination. Away from the loving care of her family her eyes began to lose much of their lustre and hair began to fall. Her smile faded and the glow on her face gave way to a pale shade to her complexion...but no one seemed to care.

The harsh fact is that she had no rights. And on May 5 2003 she died a painful death battling blood cancer which was detected after it had done all the possible damage because it was then that she was taken to a doctor who gave her just a week`s time in this world.

Sounds familiar? A young girl falling prey to blood thirsty in-laws and unconcerned husband? This can be compared to the more visible form of violence against women like burning and beating. But the question is do so many young female lives need to be sacrificed at the altar of a relationship based on inhuman desires? Today when some women organisations are trying to get 33% reservation for women in Parliament our heads should hang in shame when a Jamila dies the way she did. Dr Najma Heptulla observed that women were not safe even in high esteem offices like the Uttar Pradesh Vidhan Sabha. Quoting the infamous violence in the UP assembly she said she was ashamed by the incident. I would like to add here that many times women are not safe even in their own houses.

Every religion in India has apparently accorded enviably respectful places to women. But needless to say these theories are paradoxically being used increasingly to exploit and malign women. The fact that majority of the women remain oppressed and have no right to basic self respect cannot be denied. Most women do not have any say in decision making and are made to live like the worst kind of bonded labourers.

Having said all this it is pertinent to find the cause of the problem and possible solutions too. Can the blame be put entirely on the husband and his family? Are they the sole perpetrators of injustice against women? When do we stop treating girls like a heap of dirt? An unwanted burden that must be off loaded at the very first opportunity?

I think a deeper soul searching and an honest analysis of this serious problem is now a must and it has to be taken up by women themselves. One very important aspect that has thus far been neglected is the role of parents. It has been taken for granted that their helplessness in the custom ridden society cannot be questioned. How can parents ever think of harming their off springs? On the contrary they put themselves through hardships so that their children may live blissfully. Therefore any remote suggestion that for what their daughter goes through the parents may be at fault too seems totally devoid of compassion.

Yet a need for all of us to boldly face facts and take some hard decisions in the interest of our daughters has never been more urgent. Let us look into the most glaring irony in the life of an Indian girl. From the time she learns to walk and talk, much before she can appreciate the complexities of relationships she is told that her parents` house is not her own. She is goaded and coaxed with so called great values until she starts believing in them. She is taught to place her husband`s desires before her own. She is trained to live for the happiness of her husband. She is brainwashed into accepting that life without marriage and motherhood is useless. She is told the tales of sacrifices and silent suffering of females in the family that actually glorify myths which a young adolecent mind takes to be true. Thus lives for majority of the girls in India start in extreme insecurity.

Could Jamila be saved had her parents not pushed her into a suffocating alliance? Instead of bogging down young vulnerable girls with miserable responsibilities should they not be given opportunity to develop? Each one of us has something special. It has to be recognised and developed. Many Jamilas have laid down their lives prematurely so that their parents can hold their heads high. In a society where desirability of a woman is measured in terms of how soon she gets married and has children, can there be any hope for respite for women?

The sacrifice of Jamila and others like her must be respected and the only way to do it is to make girls more confident and financially independent. They should not live in fear of becoming homeless. Marriage is important and sacred, but it should not be the only goal in a female life and although customs and traditions have evolved considering many aspects including proper time and place, they must be continuously reviewed and updated for obvious reasons. Marriage should be a happy sharing of this wonderful journey of life between two people, none of whom should feel overpowered by the other. The importance of a mother in building a strong and worthy next generation cannot be minimised as was remarked by a very knowledgeable person, "when you educate a man you educate an individual, but when a woman is educated an entire family is educated." «

Zohra Javed