Saturday, February 18, 2012

I am Sorry

It has been fearfully disturbing. This realisation that has so
unexpectedly dawned upon me and comes haunting recurrently. I have
suddenly realised that I have absolutely no idea how many people I
might have hurt. To be fair to Myself I would insist that most of the
time the act was unintentional. And to be fair to others (read my
victims!!!) I will honestly admit that a couple of times I have hurt
people knowingly (and justifiably).

"Justifiably" because I feel they had hurt me first. And that I was
hurt much more by them, than they by me.

I also realised that the human body is immensely blessed. It has
amazing healing powers. It can endure a lot. But the soul is delicate,
fragile and weak. This may sound ironical to our belief because the
body in its physical form withers, weakens and dies, while the soul is
said to be immortal. And yet I think the soul is not empowered to mend
itself. Once hurt, the soul is scarred forever. But the body usually
bounces back after every suffering.

Another thing that I learnt as a child was that God forgives everything
if the repentance is heartfelt. But He does not forgive us for the pain
that we cause to His Creations until that person (or creature) forgives
us. And so wouldn't it be much better to stay hurt than be hurtful...
(How fair will this be to "I,Me,Myself" is another question)

For the moment imagine the silent distress of a heart that took the
blows of one's mindless egoistic maliciousness.

I don't know how many souls I have agonised. Hence in a bid to ease the
anxiety that has come with the "awakening" that I have had, I keep
reiterating and "convincing" myself that any human being is a mixed
bundle of virtues and sins. And it is in this form of one's life that
one is most vulnerable to temptations. So if I did really hurt someone
(knowingly or unknowingly) it was only to stop getting hurt myself.

It was a pure and innocent act of self defence.
Come on! I have to be fair to Myself first.
But this argument has not helped ease a baffling conflict the three of
us (I, Me, Myself) are having.
What I may do to save Me from Myself though,is seeking a sincere
apology from each one of the people I have known.

However the Me inside Myself knows this is easier said than done.
Of the two most important people whose forgiveness I should have sought
long ago, one is no more around. I mean my father. And the second, my
mother does not have an e mail account (considering the fact that I am
sending this apology through an e mail).

Why is it so difficult to express ourselves to our dearest and most
loved ones? why do we hide our pain (and often our love too )  from them? Why do we take them for
granted? And why do we assume that they would always understand us and our silence ?
I have realised that once in a while our dearest and the most loved ones also need to be told quite simply and openly of our love for them.....and of the grievances that we might have with them .....
Why do we never think of apologising to ( or complimenting ) those who mean the world to us?
 This much we owe to those who make a happy difference in our life. And to ourselves too.

By writing this I am trying to make amends and reach whoever I can. Forgiveness they say is Godly. And hence I have encouraged myself to seek it from noble souls who may be a lot more humane, kind and generous than I have known them to be.

Sorry may not be a big word. But its the only word I have right now.



Sorry only comes out when we have self realization,most of the time people don't even feel it and henceforth do not apologize....very well expressed by you....yes it can be unintentional and sometimes deliberate varies from person to person....

sujata said...

Well.... 'Sorry' is such a big word whom we hurt intentionally or unintentionally. It heals!! Many a time it so happens we hurt people without any intention, it just happens. We tend to forget that we can undo that by saying 'Sorry'. Sometimes, we dont even realise we might have hurt anyone!! Sometimes, our ego do not permit us to admit that we might have erred and need to say sorry!! We forget that by saying 'Sorry' which is a small word but means a lot, we are only making ourselves happy, we are unburdening ourselves of our guilt. Sometimes we tend to be so egoistic that we dont even feel that we might have been guilty!! No matter what, at the end of the day, we are making ourselves happy by saying 'Sorry'. Haha. Sometimes we need to be selfish and think about ourselves too!! :-). Well written one, Zohra!!